Our Anointed Calling

     I may not be the wisest or oldest person but I know that happiness is not what any of us truly desire. The world tells us it is what we should strive for and many have convinced themselves that happiness is all that they are after, but if it really was our heart desire to simply be happy, we would be. Instead we are constantly unhappy and unsatisfied with what we have, because nothing makes us happy enough. 
     I've met people in life who are happy, but their happiness is not based on their circumstances, their financial means, or anything that they have acheived. They are happy because it is not their end goal and they have allowed themselves to enjoy the moments of today. Maybe coincidentally, the happiest people I've met seem to be children who have nothing. But I don't really believe in coincidences, these children have accepted that life is hard and choose to laugh and play all the same. We could learn something from them. 
     See I think that we assume that happy and easy go hand and hand, but happiness is not based on anything but our choice to be so, and therefore can be one of the hardest things to obtain if that is what we are after. Our warped view of happiness is that it should meet all of our hopes, expectations, and dreams, and therefore it must be costly and hard to reach. As if we could ever gain happiness from striving after it. Happiness is free and limitless, it comes naturally with knowing and accepting who we are and opening our eyes to the depth of God's love towards for us. But again, I don't think that this is what any of us truly desire as our end goal, we have a heart after God's own and we know that we were created to be more than just happy.  
     So, why do we live our lives like that is what we are after? Do we not realize that whatever it is that we choose to devote ourselves to becomes the most important thing to us?
     I don't want to be happy. I want to be so much more than that. I want to live, not how anyone else thinks I should live but exactly how I was created to live, fully alive. I want to dance, not only when the time is right, but always, in each and every moment of life. I want to worship, and not depending on any circumstance of life but solely on Christ's unchanging love, therefore it should be my only response through eternity. I want to know and see God, not just know about or be waiting to see, I want to really know Him and really see Him, now. And I want to be, like a tree just as God created it to be; ever-changing, always growing, dependent only on God, standing tall, rooted deep, blooming exactly where God planted it, and always pointing upwards at it's Creator. 
    No, happiness was never meant to satisfy us or to be our end goal, because that would mean it was filling the place that only God is meant to stay. No, I don't want to be happy. I want to be loved. Not by anyone, but by Someone, and see the wonderful crazy thing is, that I am. Already, nothing I can do about it, never going change, end goal, done.
    We were never meant to be happy, because we were anointed to be loved by God our Father, and it's way better to be loved than just happy! 

The Joy of His Presence

"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever." --Psalms16:11

      I have found that it can be easy to be taken in by your surroundings and the situations that you are facing, and easier still to forget to consider the bigger picture. When you are committed to and fully engaged in something that you consider good, it's very hard to disengage yourself and leave. But no matter how good something is, it is only meant to last for a time. As my time here in Uganda comes to a close, I thank God for the time that I have been given and choose to continue on the path that God has laid before me. 
     When you spend fourteen months away from your home, your friends, and your family you are forced to hold on to something, and that is God. You can't spend each day serving others without finding peace and strength in the Lord. You can't spend each day seeing the consequences of poverty  without first letting the Lord's joy fill your spirit. Unless you choose to seek the Lord presence and put your trust in Him you will never find what you are looking for, no matter where you go or where you are.
     I am so excited to be coming home and to be continuing on the journey that God has ahead of me. I will wait on God and let Him direct me each and every day, letting His presence fill me with joy and strength.

"A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven"

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven..." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

Life is never as clear cut and simple as we would like it to be; there are always tough choices to make and disappointments to be had, there are always goodbyes to be said, and time sometimes flies by too quickly and other periods drag too slowly. Yet the beauty of life can be found: in the moments of those important choices we make; in the hope we show through our disappointments; in our willingness to open ourselves up to future goodbyes; and in our ability to cherish the time we have, minutes or years.

In the past couple of years, I’ve learned a lot about living in and valuing the time that I am given. It’s never easy when your heart is divided (in my case between two separate countries) because it is always yearning for what you don’t have, but instead you can choose to focus your heart fully on what you do have. In doing so you will find that what you have is always better because it is made for you at that moment. At least this is what I have found to be true. When I am here in Uganda, I dearly miss those at home, and when I am home, I dearly miss those in Uganda.

With June arriving my time left seems so short and my departure already upon me. And that means it’s almost time for me to say goodbye to all that I so deeply love. I know that it is time for me to go home and finish school, and I am excited to do so, but I know that it is going to be incredibly hard to leave the life that I’ve been living here in Africa. It’s hard to imagine just picking up and leaving after working so hard to build a life here with people that I genuinely care about, and it’s hard to visualize myself going home because I’ve grown since I left and I’m not the same person that I was.

Yet these are nothing in comparison to the anxiety I feel when I think about having to leave those that have become my children in the year that I’ve spent here. While it’s difficult being away from the children that I love back at home it’s made easier because I know they have families who love them and will take care of them. The same is not true for these children. And though I will be saying goodbye with every intention of returning, I am still leaving them. I think especially of the three that call me “Mama Shannon,” Nettie, Ziyada, and John. They think of me as their mother, but what mother parts from her children?
 

 

My dearest  Nettie (four years old) still avoids talking to anyone but me and her brothers, refuses to smile or laugh without first being held, and is unwilling to participate in anything without first being reassured. What will happen when I leave her, will she continue to blossom or will she retreat even deeper into herself? Who will be the one to visit her on Saturdays at boarding school, to bring her juice and biscuits, to sit and hold her, to show her that she has been remembered? Who will whisper into her ear, “I love you very much, Nettie?!” And when she in the village on holiday, who will make sure she has eaten and is alright? Nerima has started transforming from the broken, bitter, and lonely child that she was when I met her a year ago, and is becoming a beautiful, whole, tender, and loving girl whose future is open to all opportunities. My heart is already breaking when I think that the day is coming when I cannot see her, wrap her in my arms tightly, and protect her and calm her fears.

 

My sweet Ziyada is still just three years old and only just began school but already is so mature and wise beyond her years. I will have only known her for under six months when I go but she captured my heart that first day I met her. An orphaned child living with a relative and her many children, she was unable to go to school, and was without hope for her future. I am amazed by how quickly she has begun to pick up English and with how happy she is, for my sweet Ziyada is always smiling. This precious girl whose joy is contagious and hugs are to be treasured has changed her name to Ziyada Shannon because she says she wants everyone to know that she has a muzungu (white) mother who loves her very much. I don’t even know how to wrap my mind around the fact that God could use me in such a way that a three year old girl would want to forever be associated to me. My time with Ziyada is just beginning and already it’s ending, even if it’s only for a couple of years it will be far too long. I want to see her grow and more than that I want to be a continual part of her life. I want to be there as she celebrates each day and every year of her life, and so knowing that I will miss the next few weighs so heavily on my heart.

 

My precious John Trevor is eleven years old and has such faith in God that it rivals anyone I’ve ever met. He is a boy who has nothing in the world’s eyes and who would be pitted by most people, yet he has what we all long for and really matters, a deep unconditional trust in God. I first met John when I was teaching English in his class at the school New Brainstorm. He caught my eye not because he was the only one who knew every answer *which he did) but because of the deep respect and eagerness to serve that he showed me. I have never known an eleven year old boy whose behavior could only be described as a child of Christ. In fact he constantly is an example to me of how we are all meant to live our lives. But I remember the day that God laid John on my heart and I knew that I was meant to be a part of his life, I came to his school one day and he gave me a letter in which he thanked me for bringing cookies to the previous class, his words were, “My dearest teacher, I wanted to thank you for bring food to class last time, because of you I did not go hungry that day. Most days I do not have food because I am alone and have no parents but that is alright because God brought you to me so that I would not be hungry. May I call you mother? I have no mother and you are like my mother because you care for me and feed me.  I want to be your son. May God bless you because you have loved me.” I cried reading his letter. I had done nothing but bring some cookies and popcorn to class as a celebration for my students hard work, and yet without my knowing it had meant something so deep to this young boy who was used to going to school without food all day. I know that even his faith was being tested around this time and somehow the simple act of me giving him a cookie was God encouraging and speaking to him. I don’t know why God choose me to be the one who could bless this child but I do know that He loves John very dearly and would use anyone and everyone to let him know. My John who loves to play soccer, has a beautiful touching voice, who will spend his holiday drawing twenty seven pictures for me, and whose smile melts my heart every time. My dear John calls me “Mama” and doesn’t want me to ever leave, but I must. I can’t imagine when I can longer visit him, when I can’t bring him food, or write him a letter. When I won’t see his whole face light up at the smallest things and see his great kindness towards others. How hard it will be to say goodbye to my precious son.

So you see, saying goodbye will not be easy and leaving will be even harder, for my heart has found a home with these children. But I know without a doubt that I was not the first to love them and that God’s love for them will always be greater than my own. That though I may not be the one to hold them, provide for them, and show them that they are loved, God will. In fact, He will do so in ways that I cannot even imagine and that will means so much more to them than anything that I could ever do for them would. He will be the one whispering to them; not to give up, that they are loved, and that He will never leave them. He will hold them tightly and calm their fears, He will celebrate each and every moment of their lives with them, and He will be their Father.

He is my Father too, and so I know that cares for me and my heart as well and will care for them enough for both of us. I entrust them into His capable hands, for I know that I will also be close to Him, looking to Him for strength and courage to face each morning without them.

L'absence diminue les médiocres passions, et augmente les grandes, comme le vent éteint les bougies et allume le feu.

Absence extinguishes the minor passions and increases the great ones, as the wind blows out a candle and fans a fire.                                                                     

-Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld



 

 

The End of 2012

     Wow, it’s been quite a while since I wrote my last blog entry. The biggest news of the last month was my surprise trip home for Christmas. Within two weeks of finding out that I would be back for Christmas, I home. I spent over three weeks back in Redding and used all of my time to visit with my family and close friends. It was an incredible blessing and a gift I am extremely grateful for. It came at the exact right time and not only made Christmas really special but gave me the opportunity to see all of my loved ones and be refreshed for the rest of my time here in Uganda. I praise God for knowing me better than I know myself and seeing how badly I missed my family. I also thank those who brought me home for Christmas, it was the best Christmas ever and I am exceedingly thankful to you!

Holding Nettie.

     The last week that I was in Uganda I spent in the village; perfect ending to 2012. I spent Sunday through Wednesday in Zirobwe, and with all of my precious children. My favorite part was spending each day with Nettie. I would go and pick her up from her house, give her a bath, dress her, clean her wounds, remove any jiggers, feed her, hold her (often through her nap), play with her, and just treasure the time I had with her. 

Zirobwe children recieving shoes!

     On Sunday we gave out shoes to all of the Sunday school children. These were shoes that the children from my church The Stirring and other friends had raised money for. We gave out almost 200 pairs of shoes and will be giving out the rest (about 200 more) in the next couple of months. Again, thank you, to all of you who made giving the village children shoes possible, they were so excited and happy to have new shoes!

Zirobwe children

      We also had a big Christmas party in the village. More than 400 children came and filled the church. The party was so much fun and definitely one of my favorite moments of this past year. Of course, anything with children and dancing is going to be amazing!

Dancing with Kasuja

      One of the best parts of going home was surprising everyone. See, no one knew I was coming back (after all, barely knew myself:) I thoroughly enjoyed showing up at people’s doors, walking down hallways, and into rooms and seeing the looks on the faces of those that I love most. There were tears and looks of shock, and a lot of frozen people. But I was more than happy to be the one doing the hugging, after all I wasn’t supposed to be home and if I hadn’t been laughing I probably would have been crying too! I really did just spend all my time with my family and closest friends (including my best goat friends) and each day was filled with new memories, laughter, and a lot of joy. Thank you, to everyone who not only made time to see me but made my short time truly magical. I love you guys so much and can’t wait to see you in another 15 months.

With the Mosely boys.

With Claire and her goats!

With six of my siblings:)

With my Mom.

With my youngest sister, Audrey!

With my sister, Megan.

     So, now I am back in Uganda. I arrived last Saturday. I’ve been to the village on Sunday and seen Nettie. We spent the week in Kampala doing projects here, Sanyu Babies Home, Jaja’s Orphanage, Katalemwa Children’s Hospital, and lots of programs with the Neighborhood kids. And all of this was done without our vans (which are currently broken down), which meant LOTS of taxis and boda bodas.

The Neighborhood Children

   

   It has been great to be back in Uganda and to be dreaming about 2013. I am so excited about what God has in store for me and those here. It is going to be an incredible year!

 

My Nettie!

He Always Answers

I'm having a hard time keeping time straight here and I never know which day it is. It seems like I've  I've been gone for a very long time and yet I've only arrived. I am already missing so many of you back home, even though it has only been 5 days. But God is good and faithful.

God uses everything to draw us closer to Him, if we let Him. Selfishly, I want that to be the reason behind all of this. Him wanting me to draw closer to Him. But I know that this is about so much more than me. It isn't easy though. I know that my time in Ensenada is a chance for me to fall even deeper into His arms and I know that I will need Him to get through this time as well. After all, He is my Strength, my Comforter, and my Trust. It is Him who I will learn to lean on for each and every day.
It isn't that I doubt where I'm supposed to be. Or that I don't like it here. In fact I do. It's hard to explain but I just can't seem to find peace here. I am restless. I feel like my heart is already in Africa and as much as I try to find it here, I can't. It seems as if here I am only able to access my strength, my love, my joy, instead of His strength, love, and joy. It isn't enough and I know that. I can feel the difference and it hurts because I want to be alive here as well. I want to be present and useful to Him here in Mexico. I want to be doing His work because I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now, but I just can't seem to find myself here.

I keep calling out to God, asking for answers. His answer is always the same, "I am here." Which means that He is with me and that I can lean on Him. It also means that I have to trust Him with Africa while He is asking me to wait in Mexico. So, starting tonight, I let go of all that I'm waiting for. I want to see Him here, and if I am looking towards that future I'll miss Him because He is a God who is at work today. Which means that He is at work in Mexico and is waiting for me to ask to be a part of it. That means that I need to start each morning on my knees asking for His heart for Mexico, for today, for these people, for His children, for His mission here, for His never ending love and compassion. I want to feel His burning love here just as I do for the people of Africa. I want to laugh each day as I see His plans unfold and come to serve alongside His missionaries here. I want to end each day in prayer, praying over this country, over those I've worked with, for His kingdom to come here, for His blessings to pour out over these people.

I know that I won't leave Mexico until He calls me to leave and I am content to wait for that call. I don't need to keep asking when it will come. I know when it will come. When His work and mine is done here. So, with His heart for this place, I will rejoice that I am meant to stay here and that I have a chance to share His love with His most beloved children here in Mexico. I am so honored that He has asked and trusted me to serve here and given me a the opportunity to see His kingdom come in Mexico. Tonight, I will go to sleep completely at peace for the first time since I arrived in Mexico, excited for tomorrow to come and not wanting to be anywhere else.

Summer Ponderings

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

James 1:2-4

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last updated my blog. I've started writing at least 9-12 times but I haven't posted anything since May. I guess the words just haven't come. A lot has happened and changed since I've been home, so, I guess I'll just try to pick up where I left off.

God hasn't just thrown me back into my old routine and expected me to fix everything, instead He has blessed me with change and given me the opportunity to start in a fresh spot. I wasted so much time stressing over the many details and when the time came God just opened the door I was supposed to go through. Figures, if I had just had a little more faith in the beginning I wouldn't have had anything to worry about. I'm really in awe of just how well God knows us and our every need. He always provides in our best interest, and blesses us so much more than we could dream of. 

Summer was a time of struggles and tears but also a time of new beginnings and so much hope. Of figuring out how to fit back into my life here in Redding and understanding where God is leading me to next. To be honest those last few weeks I was in Gabon, I didn't want to leave. I was fully alive doing what I have created to do and I didn't want to go back to a normal life. When I got home I struggled with almost everything. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated by how the world worked. I couldn't deal with the fact that we live in a world where poverty is accepted and ignored. I couldn't just fit back in and I refused to accept the world's conditions and standards. It's taken this whole summer for me to really find my place here. To understand why I'm here and how important this time is for me. To see how I am not the same as the world and I can choose to fight instead of accept.

The entire summer my mind has been traveling back to Africa and my heart aching for the people I left there. My only true comfort, was know I'm going back and that my "goodbyes" are only for a short time. Still, I wasn't prepared for how hard being home was going to be. I wasn't expecting the reverse culture shock to hit me SO hard. In the beginning I didn't want to go anywhere and I couldn't stand being around people, even my friends. I was miserable and feeling as if I had to put on a good face made it worse. At first people seemed interested in my trip but that didn't last very long. Soon after I got home I realized, people move on so much quicker than we do. Before I left everyone wanted to know about my trip. While I was there people wanted pictures and stories and sent me encouraging words. But as soon as I was home it seemed as if none of it mattered and I was expected to move on like they had. When that is when I really needed those people. To ask to for pictures, to listen to my stories, and give me those encouraging words! I came home a completely different person and was expecting everyone to embrace me and that change. That's not how it works though. People just want you to fit back into the place you left from. It wasn't until I understood that I was letting other people's reactions bring me down, that I was able to let those frustrations go. I had to accept that Gabon and my experiences there were pretty much meaningless to everyone except me, those I shared it with, and God. That I will be reliving moments, going through pictures, thinking of those people my whole life, but that I can't expect others to do the same. It isn't fair to either of us.

I have so much more I want to share but it's late and I don't want this to become a novel......so, I will add more later.