Wow, it's been a really long time since I last updated my blog. I've started writing at least 9-12 times but I haven't posted anything since May. I guess the words just haven't come. A lot has happened and changed since I've been home, so, I guess I'll just try to pick up where I left off.
God hasn't just thrown me back into my old routine and expected me to fix everything, instead He has blessed me with change and given me the opportunity to start in a fresh spot. I wasted so much time stressing over the many details and when the time came God just opened the door I was supposed to go through. Figures, if I had just had a little more faith in the beginning I wouldn't have had anything to worry about. I'm really in awe of just how well God knows us and our every need. He always provides in our best interest, and blesses us so much more than we could dream of.
Summer was a time of struggles and tears but also a time of new beginnings and so much hope. Of figuring out how to fit back into my life here in Redding and understanding where God is leading me to next. To be honest those last few weeks I was in Gabon, I didn't want to leave. I was fully alive doing what I have created to do and I didn't want to go back to a normal life. When I got home I struggled with almost everything. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated by how the world worked. I couldn't deal with the fact that we live in a world where poverty is accepted and ignored. I couldn't just fit back in and I refused to accept the world's conditions and standards. It's taken this whole summer for me to really find my place here. To understand why I'm here and how important this time is for me. To see how I am not the same as the world and I can choose to fight instead of accept.
The entire summer my mind has been traveling back to Africa and my heart aching for the people I left there. My only true comfort, was know I'm going back and that my "goodbyes" are only for a short time. Still, I wasn't prepared for how hard being home was going to be. I wasn't expecting the reverse culture shock to hit me SO hard. In the beginning I didn't want to go anywhere and I couldn't stand being around people, even my friends. I was miserable and feeling as if I had to put on a good face made it worse. At first people seemed interested in my trip but that didn't last very long. Soon after I got home I realized, people move on so much quicker than we do. Before I left everyone wanted to know about my trip. While I was there people wanted pictures and stories and sent me encouraging words. But as soon as I was home it seemed as if none of it mattered and I was expected to move on like they had. When that is when I really needed those people. To ask to for pictures, to listen to my stories, and give me those encouraging words! I came home a completely different person and was expecting everyone to embrace me and that change. That's not how it works though. People just want you to fit back into the place you left from. It wasn't until I understood that I was letting other people's reactions bring me down, that I was able to let those frustrations go. I had to accept that Gabon and my experiences there were pretty much meaningless to everyone except me, those I shared it with, and God. That I will be reliving moments, going through pictures, thinking of those people my whole life, but that I can't expect others to do the same. It isn't fair to either of us.
I have so much more I want to share but it's late and I don't want this to become a novel......so, I will add more later.
I think a lot more people care about your experience in Africa and the people there than you might realize, Shannon. Part of what you are feeling is probably just that people have to carry on with the many responsibilities and plans of their own lives, too. As you know, life can speed by pretty quickly sometimes, and it takes hard work and real determination to slow it down!
ReplyDeleteI do remember coming back from working in China though and how shocking and difficult it was to overcome that reverse culture shock and the seeming indifference of most people. I had to remind myself often of the importance of their lives and their perspectives, too. Not that your calling isn't exciting and important. It definitely is, and I am so proud of you. I want you to remember how strongly I support you in your dreams and goals.
As a matter of fact, I also have such dreams, and I plan to spend my "older" years (as in, once Audrey and Megan are teens) working with people in need overseas, probably in Haiti, but perhaps somewhere else... wherever God leads.
Just remember that when it seems like people may not be interested in what you experienced in Africa or what your life plans are, they actually may just *appear* that way. Maybe you're not like me in this instance, but I have to consciously override my natural inclination to think people are uninterested in my thoughts or even are looking at me negatively. I have to remind myself that it is normal for them to be busy with their own lives, but that when I take the time to share my heart, they often reciprocate and support me. I am mostly talking to myself here I realize. Thanks for helping me think through some things as I have written you. ;-)
Again, I am so proud of you and love you very much, Shannon.
Your mom