Reflections and Plans

     I've spent a lot of time reflecting on and searching myself this past year, and through all that thinking I'm starting to understand myself a little better. I see things differently. I don't agree with or follow the world's expectations. I don't really have any interest in the "American Dream". I don't want the same kind of life the most people do or think is right and successful. I don't have any intentions of living a normal life or doing the expected. Instead of dreaming of what I want, I dream of what I can give. I believe in the impossible. And as much as I love Redding I don't plan on settling down here, or anywhere in the states. It might sound strange that at eighteen I know exactly what I want to do with my life, but the truth is I've known what comes next for four years. Each day, each year, it's just gotten a little clearer and a little more real. It's not some distant future anymore, the time is here.
     Last year I went to Africa, and it was if a timer started ticking away, right then. After that trip I knew that I wouldn't be calling Redding home much longer. We all have "Ah Ha" moments, and Gabon was one of those moments for me. It was as if I suddenly put two and two together and realized that I was the same person as the one who's future I was waiting for, and I should be living that life now.  And through that revelation God started equipping, preparing, and teaching me how to be ready to go. I've known for a long time that I would be going and that in going I was being sent somewhere; I've just been waiting for that Voice to say "Go". Well, I've been told to go, and I'm going. I don't think I was expecting it to be so soon, but it just shows how well God knows my heart because I don't know if I could wait any longer. This summer I'll be heading back to Gabon for two months and then heading to Uganda for eight to twelve months. I know that this trip will be the one that opens the door to a life and purpose overseas, and I couldn't be more excited.
      I am certainly a different person than I was even just a year ago; I'm not afraid of the unknown anymore, disappointing people, speaking up, or stepping out in faith. I have been in the unknown before and I was looked after and blessed. I have realized that people's opinions are nothing compared to being in the will of the Father. I have found that not only do I have a voice but it's important, because God has given it and placed me accordingly. And I always want to being living from faith because that is when I am looking to God for direction and relying completely on Him. I don't know if I would say that I'm anymore confident in myself, but my trust in God has grown greatly, and through that I am confident and sure. I know that I am ready for this next season in my life and I can't wait to see it continue to unfold.
     It's really is amazing how you can look back on your life and everything makes sense, like each piece of the puzzle fitting together perfectly. God can and will use everything for good. If I'm being completely honest I could tell you that I've always known that this place wasn't my home; that I was meant to be something more than just a normal girl. I've always known that I was meant for something different; that I wasn't meant to stay here and that this wasn't going to be my life. That knowledge in the past has made me often feel alone, or made me want to pull back into myself. Sometimes even made me uncomfortable when others would talk about the future and make plans for us, because how do you tell someone you won't be there. I know now that these were all little things that prepared me for today; I never expected to hold onto anything so I am ready to let it all go. The truth is that God has bigger plans for us than we could ever imagine or understand, and long ago I accept those plans for my life.

Psalm 117

 ¹ Praise the LORD, all you nations;
   extol him, all you peoples.
² For great is his love toward us,
   and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.    

   Praise the LORD.

Psalms 138, Luke 12:48, Matthew 25:23

Psalms 138

Thanksgiving for the Lord's Favor

¹I will give You thanks with all my heart;
I will sing praises to You before the gods.
² I will bow down toward Your holy temple
And give thanks to Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word according to all Your name.
³ On the day I called, You answered me;
You made me bold with strength in my soul.

 ⁴ All the kings of the earth will give thanks to You, O LORD,
When they have heard the words of Your mouth.
⁵ And they will sing of the ways of the LORD,
For great is the glory of the LORD.
⁶ For though the LORD is exalted,
Yet He regards the lowly,
But the haughty He knows from afar.

 ⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;
You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
And Your right hand will save me.
⁸ The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

         This is one of my favorite scriptures. David knows how greatly he has been blessed, he knows what the Lord is doing and what He will accomplish; he is thankful for those Victories.  I love the Psalms in general; the passion, the honesty, the brokenness, the redemption, the faith, and the relationship between David and His Father. From the depths of his heart David knows the Lord. I cannot help but think that all of our hearts were meant to cry out to the Father in this way. We were created to declare who He is, to proclaim His glory, to shout out to Him with our praises. This is how I want to live my life, from this place.
        As I think back on 2011, I can see the same things occurred; the passion, the honesty, the brokenness, the redemption, the faith, and the relationship between my Father and I. It starts when God gives us a deep burning passion for something greater than ourselves. When we accept it fully it forces us to be honest; honest about ourselves, honest about the world, honest about our fears. When we are being honest it brings us to a place of brokenness, broken and so far from the passion that is weighing on our hearts. In our brokenness we question, we fight, and finally we call out in desperation. And our Father hears us, He redeems us; He redeems our lives and He redeems His plans for us. From His grace we are able to take a step in faith, knowing He redeems. God can do great things with just the smallest amount of faith, and through faith we are brought closer to Him. He has always given us a choice and when we finally chose to trust Him, He blesses us and draws us closer to Him. Our relationship with our Father is strongest when we have given ourselves completely to Him, and it grows stronger when instead of making a choice in faith we willing act in faith out of  love and trust.
       I believe that the Lord loves each and every one of us with an unfathomable love, but I also know that He bless some with favor. It's not something you can earn but something He freely gives when He pursues you, before you even know Him. He gives you a different set of eyes and a small piece of His heart, so that you might know what love is. Yet by knowing what true eternal love is, we have a responsibility. "From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more (Luke 12:48)". Whenever I read this passage I cannot help but be completely convicted; I have been given much, much will be required of me. It's a conviction that hold my life, and fills me with joy and hope and eagerness. I am ready to give everything. I know that my life is what is required of me and I could not be happier to give it. “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’(Matthew 25:23)". Someday, I will be entrusted with many, but for today I will try to be faithful with the few I've been given; for they are just as important as the many. I know that great joy comes from being faithful, especially during the hard or unexpected times and it is one of my greatest hopes, to learn what faithfulness truly is and to live by it. I want to just be many things, but for now I struggle; struggle to be faithful, struggle to be obedient, struggle to be selfless, struggle to be generous with everything. This year I know I'll be struggling with all of these even more, but I know that with the Lord's mercy and His never-ending faithfulness I'll learn how to be just a little more; a little more faithful, a little more obedient, a little more selfless, a little more generous with everything. So, I'm okay with the struggle because it's means that this year I'll be relying on God even more, and that is exactly where I want to be.