I like to always be doing
something; a fact which I doubt would surprise anyone who knows me. I would
much rather be following my heart or stepping out in faith than waiting
patiently for something to happen. I can be patient, but it isn’t a word that I
would quickly use to describe myself.
The last couple weeks I can
honestly say that I haven’t been patient. At the beginning of the new year I
had plans, dreams, and ideas about what I would be doing, how long it would
take, and how I saw it all working out. I’m a dreamer, I get excited and
passionate about the dreams that I have. I’ve never been afraid to step out in
faith, to trust God to come through, or to make sacrifices. But I also get
discouraged easily when I have to wait or when things change. In the past
months I’ve grown a lot in these areas, but I certainly a long ways to go.
I can’t stand to waste time. I have
to be doing something. I want to be in the village serving the children,
spending time with God, building stronger relationships with the people around
me. I can always do more; I always should be doing more. This is how my mind
works. It’s is not the best mind set and can be a very draining one. It mostly
comes from living in a third world country. Seeing the depth and greatness of
the need here and wanting to give myself wholly to what God is doing here. The
problem comes when I feel as if I am not doing enough or exactly what I should
be doing. Yes, I live in Uganda. Yes, I go to projects and work with and serve
children every day. But this is so far from ALL that I want to do. And often I
want to do so much more than I am currently doing.
It’s a bit of good and bad really.
As soon as God speaks I am moving because I am constantly listening for His
voice, but if I’m waiting for Him to speak and I feel as if I should already be
moving it creates frustration. If I had the choice I would be living in a village
without any electricity, plumbing, or civilization. I would be living each day
with the people, children, and community around me. There are so many dreams
that I know will come into fruition in the years to come but the time just
isn’t right yet.
I don’t really know why (the
frustrating part), that I need to wait right now. Why I feel so passionately
about things that I can’t accomplish right now. But these are things that I
know God has placed in my future and will happen. It is just that often times I
feel so strongly about them, I don’t want to wait until the timing is right. I
want to be doing everything that God has for me and be as useful to the Lord as
I can be. At the same time, I know that I am doing what God has for me today,
and that I am most useful to the Lord when I trust Him in all circumstances. If
I try to rush the plans that He has for me then I will not only miss a lot of
what I am supposed to learn and do, but I will also not see things work out the
way that I want them too.
It really comes down to choosing
each day to be content with what God has for me and rejoicing in that moment.
It means trusting Him to lead me when it’s right for me to go. It means still
keeping my dreams alive but finding joy while I wait for them to happen. It
means giving up my control, my desires, and what I think should be happening,
and instead walking under His control, desires, and what He wants to happen. I
believe that I will one day be exactly where my heart longs to be, but it won’t
be on my own doing and it won’t be until the Lord leads me there. Until then, I
will look to Him daily for direction and learn to be patient when it means
waiting. Waiting doesn’t mean that I am not doing anything, just that I am
doing something very specific; sitting at His feet, eyes on Him, hands raised, alive
in that very place.
