Not Alone

     I always write from my heart and try to keep my blogs uplifting, but some entries are just more personal than others. This will be one of the more personal ones. I want to share what’s on my heart and I’m going to be completely honest about where I am at, today.

     Since I was little and can remember I’ve always had the mindset that I was on my own and the fear that I’d always be that way.  I’m not really sure if something happened to cause me to believe this or if this is just something that is rooted deep down inside of all of us.  I was hardly alone since I grew up with five sisters and three brothers, but those feelings of not belonging and wanting to never be on my own were certainly still there. And as I got older, I somehow convinced myself that I was supposed to be alone and that I didn’t really deserve to belong. Of course, that was all a lie but I believed it. I believed it so much so that I began to retreat into myself. I stopped talking to people and I persuaded myself that I was alone and that is what I would always be.

     Then God came around and completely turned my life and that theory upside down. My life suddenly was bigger than just me. It was the two of us till the end.  And while I began to believe that I did belong and I understood that He would always be with me, I never completely gave up the fear of being alone. As it became clearer that missions was in my future, I sort of assumed that this was why I’d felt like I was going to be alone. After all, I’d be on the other side of the world my whole life. Maybe God created some people that were just not meant to have deep relationships in their lives, or maybe it was just a sacrifice that I was supposed to make. Again, I was deceived.  It is never God intention or plan for any of us to be alone. Actually, everything about Him and who He is says the opposite. If you look at how He created things to be, it was all about relationship; with Him, with others. Throughout the bible and through story after story He shows us that life is centered on relationships and love. If we know anything about God how can we ever believe that He would want or expect us to accept being alone? When we tell ourselves that it’s something that we just have to deal with, we are settling for something far less than what God has for us;  something so great and beautiful, that He has been fighting for it since the beginning.

     I found it easier to let God in than I did to let other people in, and even when I did begin to restore and build relationships in my life, deep down I told myself they would come to an end. That I would find myself alone one day. But farther I get in life the more I realize that I could never be alone.  I have so many people that care about me, people that somehow despite how determined I was to not trust, I in fact trust completely. I have a family that love me deeply and that I know will always be a huge part of my life, no matter how many oceans I cross. I am supported and loved by my friends and my church in way that I didn’t think was possible. In fact, I know that the people around me believe in me more than I will ever be able to believe in myself in a moment or lifetime. In fact, I am beyond blessed when it comes to the people in my life and the relationships that I have. And from this truth, I find my purpose to love others. For if one person can be loved so much they cannot keep that love to themselves. The greater I am loved the more and the farther I will love, and the deeper and stronger that I love the greater and more I will be loved.  See love comes full circle. And life is nothing without it.

     I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own and known deep down that a vast and important part of who I am, is a mother. But that same childhood fear of ending up alone has haunted me all my life. Growing up, I was never interested in boys. I was so determined to figure out who I was, find my path in life, and follow God that I choose to put everything else aside until the time came that I was ready for it. I’m not sure I ever thought that day would come. But it did. A few months ago I realized that my mindset had changed. I hadn’t even noticed it changing but somehow it had and I knew deep down that the time had finally come. I was ready to find and to be with another person for the rest of my life. And not that it would happen that day or even tomorrow, but that realization that I was ready for my life to become less about me and more about someone else. I found that I had grown to that point in my life where I had become who I was, found my path, and been following God so much so that I wasn’t meant to be continuing on alone anymore. After so long of not even considering being in a relationship I found myself rather surprised that I was here already.  But things never happen without a purpose or a reason. And soon after realizing just how much I desired and longed to share my life with another person I started understanding how much harder it would be to wait. Once you have everything ready you begin walking down a road and I found myself anxious to start this journey. I finally knew without a doubt that I would get to have someone by my side for the rest of my life. That I would be a mother and I would have many children. And the last of the fears that were hidden inside me all dissipated; for lies and fear cannot remain where truth and hope are.  Without a doubt I believed for the first time in my life that I could count the days that I would be alone.

     I live in Uganda. I know that I will live in Africa for the rest of my life. I will work and serve the children and the people here until God tells me otherwise. I have children here too. That sounds like a lot and it would be easy for me to tell myself that it’s too much for anyone, but the truth is it’s perfect for him.  I am perfect for him. He is just right for me. We are made for each other. I can wait a few years for him because I know that it’s just a little longer until we find each other! 

I can look back on my life so far and see the journey and growth that I’ve gone through,  I can celebrate today being where I am, and I can see the beginnings of tomorrow waiting for me just around the bend; through all of this I have never been or will I ever be alone.