Our Pursuit

In our pursuit to know God more what is it that we are searching for? And are we waiting for something to happen or are we allowing each day to change us? Do our lives look different because we know Christ and are living for Him? I often ask myself these questions and I'm not sure that I have the right answers, but I know that I will continue to search out His truth and I know that one day I will be with the one I am seeking. 

First, I have to ask myself honestly, am I on a journey to know God more? To me this simply means that I desire to being walking towards the Lord and that I would rather see, hear, and serve Him more than I wish to see, hear, or serve myself. Is this the case every moment, maybe not, I struggle every day. But even though I lose focus sometimes my heart still yearns for Him and I will continue to seek Him through the end of all things. If I ask myself what I would want most in life, the answer is clear and unvarying, I want Christ. I have found that earthly pleasures do not last and bring no joy or peace, yet the love of Christ lasts through eternity and brings complete joy and peace. Why would I spend my life searching after anything less than truth and why would I choose to serve anyone other than my Savior? I give my life to know Christ and to be changed by His great love and to be filled by His uncontainable joy.

I don’t believe that we are just waiting for Christ’s return. Nor do I think that each day doesn’t matter. If God didn’t have something for you to do then you wouldn’t be on this earth. If you still wake with breath in your lungs then God is not finished with you. It is simple to wait for the future, it is easy to remember the past, but it is harder to live in the present. Instead of looking towards what is ahead of you, we should be a part of Christ’s work here on earth today. And often He begins with changing you. How can we expect to serve Christ when we have not surrendered our whole lives to Him? If we don’t allow God to change us each day than how can He draw us closer to Him? I know that God has really been working in my life through the past few years and has changed me as I’ve grown closer to Him. But at the same time I know that I have a long journey ahead of me and I and my reflection often looks more like me than like my Savior. There are many things that I can feel the Lord chipping away at and refining so that I do not stand in the way of His perfection.

If I could learn to have a humble heart and unwavering willingness to love and serve every person that I see, than I would know that I have finally begun to follow Christ unconditionally. Living in a third world country has taught me that you can always go farther and do more to love than you thought you could. And while I try to live my life out of a servant’s heart and with generosity, I fall so short each day. My pride and competitiveness get in the way so often and I ignore the voice that is telling me to be humble and to simply love. Simply love. Such and basic and beautiful idea but so much harder to grasp onto and live out. I want that to be my life, full God, truth, love, compassion, and humbleness. We are changed from the inside out and I believe that this is a lifelong practice. I won’t change overnight, but if I follow Christ then each day I will become a little less self-serving.

Yes, my life is different than the average person that you might meet in a coffee shop or at the gym, but my life is far from as unusual as it could be and I believe will be some day. Just putting my education on hold and moving to Uganda for two years isn’t anything special or radical, but choosing to live my life solely for others can be. This is only the beginning of my walk with Christ and I know that my journey is far from over. In fact, this might be one of the moments that I look back on and think “wow, I really had it easy and normal back then.”  Life can be rough but when you are in God’s will and are trusting in His goodness, you receive more joy and peace than if you had been in control the whole time. I’d follow to the ends of the earth if He asked me and I’m not quite sure that He won’t, but wherever I am I hope that I am living my life differently and that God is being glorified. My life is pretty messy but with God all things are possible. And I believe that all things will happen in my life. 

Life With God

It’s not uncommon for me to feel knocked down. Whoever first said that “life isn't easy” had it right. Of course, they probably missed all the good that can come out of life being anything but easy. But being in the middle of life’s mess and feeling as if you are continually being punched while you’re down, doesn't make you want to think of all the good that might come if you ever reach the other side. The truth is that when we are discouraged, frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed it’s easy to let ourselves continue down that path. It also makes us a very easy target for more heartache.

A few weeks ago, when we were coming home from the village I lost my bag out the back of the car. What bothered me the most was that I also lost my journal and my bible. The journal was only a few pages from completion and carried everything from my time in Uganda thus far. The bible I've had since before I started pursuing Christ and was probably more highlighted and filled with notes than not. To lose two things so personal really made me feel like I had been punched in the gut. And sort of without realizing it I became discouraged.

I’m not that great at hiding it when something is bothering me. I just stop talking, or stop acting like myself, or both; which then frustrates me that I’m not able to control my emotions better. Little things start getting on my nerves and I suddenly am completely overwhelmed. That is about when I got sick. I hate being sick, especially here. And it makes me disappointed when I have to miss projects.

Then about a week ago I realized that financially I’m short this month. Short a lot. To this point (about eleven months) I've never had to worry about meeting my monthly bills. I always had enough and sometimes more through the generous support of others.  In fact last month, I used everything that I had been given and been able to save for the past months to sponsor six children for a year. I had really felt God led me to do this and without a second thought done so. These children go to one of the schools we visit and were according to headmaster six children really needed some help.  Then this month comes around and I realize I’m really short. I know that I was meant to help those kids and I am sure God will provide just as He always has. It’s almost time for me to get a work visa and I’m sure God will work that out and provide financially for that as well. I guess that I've have just learned that He is always in control and worrying about anything is pointless because He will always come through.

 I've learned that God works in ways we don’t expect and just have to trust Him unconditionally. If I let the situations or people around me dictate how I live my life than I simply will have lived “life isn't easy”, but if I choose to thrive in God when I cannot stand on my own than I will be living  “life with God”. After all, that is what life is about here on earth. Not me or my crazy life, but God and His unending love. So, if you are feeling discouraged, frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed, spend some time with God and let Him strengthen and encourage you. Because He is always enough.

 “For if my God is for me, than who could ever stop me. And if my God is with me, than what could stand against.”

Not Alone

     I always write from my heart and try to keep my blogs uplifting, but some entries are just more personal than others. This will be one of the more personal ones. I want to share what’s on my heart and I’m going to be completely honest about where I am at, today.

     Since I was little and can remember I’ve always had the mindset that I was on my own and the fear that I’d always be that way.  I’m not really sure if something happened to cause me to believe this or if this is just something that is rooted deep down inside of all of us.  I was hardly alone since I grew up with five sisters and three brothers, but those feelings of not belonging and wanting to never be on my own were certainly still there. And as I got older, I somehow convinced myself that I was supposed to be alone and that I didn’t really deserve to belong. Of course, that was all a lie but I believed it. I believed it so much so that I began to retreat into myself. I stopped talking to people and I persuaded myself that I was alone and that is what I would always be.

     Then God came around and completely turned my life and that theory upside down. My life suddenly was bigger than just me. It was the two of us till the end.  And while I began to believe that I did belong and I understood that He would always be with me, I never completely gave up the fear of being alone. As it became clearer that missions was in my future, I sort of assumed that this was why I’d felt like I was going to be alone. After all, I’d be on the other side of the world my whole life. Maybe God created some people that were just not meant to have deep relationships in their lives, or maybe it was just a sacrifice that I was supposed to make. Again, I was deceived.  It is never God intention or plan for any of us to be alone. Actually, everything about Him and who He is says the opposite. If you look at how He created things to be, it was all about relationship; with Him, with others. Throughout the bible and through story after story He shows us that life is centered on relationships and love. If we know anything about God how can we ever believe that He would want or expect us to accept being alone? When we tell ourselves that it’s something that we just have to deal with, we are settling for something far less than what God has for us;  something so great and beautiful, that He has been fighting for it since the beginning.

     I found it easier to let God in than I did to let other people in, and even when I did begin to restore and build relationships in my life, deep down I told myself they would come to an end. That I would find myself alone one day. But farther I get in life the more I realize that I could never be alone.  I have so many people that care about me, people that somehow despite how determined I was to not trust, I in fact trust completely. I have a family that love me deeply and that I know will always be a huge part of my life, no matter how many oceans I cross. I am supported and loved by my friends and my church in way that I didn’t think was possible. In fact, I know that the people around me believe in me more than I will ever be able to believe in myself in a moment or lifetime. In fact, I am beyond blessed when it comes to the people in my life and the relationships that I have. And from this truth, I find my purpose to love others. For if one person can be loved so much they cannot keep that love to themselves. The greater I am loved the more and the farther I will love, and the deeper and stronger that I love the greater and more I will be loved.  See love comes full circle. And life is nothing without it.

     I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own and known deep down that a vast and important part of who I am, is a mother. But that same childhood fear of ending up alone has haunted me all my life. Growing up, I was never interested in boys. I was so determined to figure out who I was, find my path in life, and follow God that I choose to put everything else aside until the time came that I was ready for it. I’m not sure I ever thought that day would come. But it did. A few months ago I realized that my mindset had changed. I hadn’t even noticed it changing but somehow it had and I knew deep down that the time had finally come. I was ready to find and to be with another person for the rest of my life. And not that it would happen that day or even tomorrow, but that realization that I was ready for my life to become less about me and more about someone else. I found that I had grown to that point in my life where I had become who I was, found my path, and been following God so much so that I wasn’t meant to be continuing on alone anymore. After so long of not even considering being in a relationship I found myself rather surprised that I was here already.  But things never happen without a purpose or a reason. And soon after realizing just how much I desired and longed to share my life with another person I started understanding how much harder it would be to wait. Once you have everything ready you begin walking down a road and I found myself anxious to start this journey. I finally knew without a doubt that I would get to have someone by my side for the rest of my life. That I would be a mother and I would have many children. And the last of the fears that were hidden inside me all dissipated; for lies and fear cannot remain where truth and hope are.  Without a doubt I believed for the first time in my life that I could count the days that I would be alone.

     I live in Uganda. I know that I will live in Africa for the rest of my life. I will work and serve the children and the people here until God tells me otherwise. I have children here too. That sounds like a lot and it would be easy for me to tell myself that it’s too much for anyone, but the truth is it’s perfect for him.  I am perfect for him. He is just right for me. We are made for each other. I can wait a few years for him because I know that it’s just a little longer until we find each other! 

I can look back on my life so far and see the journey and growth that I’ve gone through,  I can celebrate today being where I am, and I can see the beginnings of tomorrow waiting for me just around the bend; through all of this I have never been or will I ever be alone.