Frustrations...

I'm back in Redding, actually I've been here for a full four days almost. I wish I could say that it's been a purely happy reunion, but I can't. Yes, I have LOVED seeing my friends and family again, and getting to go to church and understand the message was amazing. And I do love Redding, it's a great place. But the truth is, it's really hard to try and fit yourself back into a space when you've grown and don't fit anymore. And what's even harder is is experiencing and doing all that you've ever wanted too and are so passionate about and then having to stop and leave, because you now know what it's like when your heart is fully alive and you are so aware of that absence. I know left part of my heart behind in Africa because when I think about Gabon or the people, I can't help but cry. Not just tears but my heart cries out too. I don't want to be here and have everything at finger tips, I want to back there with nothing. I'd so much rather have nothing then have everything and not give anything.

When I think about the fact that poverty and hunger and a lot of deaths could end and be prevented today, if everyone just gave and helped a little...I can't even explain how heartbreaking it is that people don't care enough to help those who can't help themselves. How messed up are we? And how do people live with themselves knowing that they could be saving children's lives if they cared enough? I'm really not sure what is sadder, the fact that most people solely care about themselves or that there is still poverty and starvation in this world. It isn't okay to ignoring what's happening to around the world just because it's easier. And it isn't really that hard to help someone. It is however much easier to go about life never thinking or worrying about anything or anyone but you, because as soon as you start they are always on your mind and you are very aware of what you have. But I would never trade a life of thinking and crying for a life of ignorance or indifference. And it is upsetting that people can and that people do. I'll never understand how people don't care. How do you turn your heart off? I would change the world today if I could, but I can't. And as much as I hope to see the world change someday, I hope that people's hearts change even more. That the day comes when people care enough to stand up and make a difference together, ending something horrible. But I won't wait for that day. And I won't accept what the world says is okay, that poverty and starvation, that abandoned children and sickness, are all okay. Because they aren't! And you can't make them okay by saying it's okay or ignoring them, because they will still be there as rampant and deadly as ever. This is me, just one person trying to figure out and come to terms with the fact that most people just don't care, and I can't change that or them. I wish I could. But for now I'll just have to care, for everyone.