"Mama"

I am constantly reminded that I am in control of very little and that God is in control of everything. There is so much that I do not know, things that are happening around me and those that happen far away, but He does.

     On Friday morning the four children came to Kampala so that we could take them to boarding school. Nettie arrived very sick. When we took her temperature it was at 104 degrees. I rushed her to the medical clinic where she  tested positive with a severe case of  malaria. She was put on an IV immediately. We spent the night at Ray of Hope since she was still on the IV at that time. Saturday she was able to come home for a little bit and then she finished her last 4 hours on the IV in the evening. Today we stayed home from church and the village so that she could rest. Hopefully, she will be better by the end of the week and will be able to join her brothers at school.

     The crazy part about the past couple of days is that it could have turned out so differently. Malaria is preventable and it is treatable, but it is dangerous if left to it's own. If Nettie hadn't come to Kampala she would not have received medical attention. With a temperature that high, she probably would not have made it. If she hadn't had come I would have had no idea that she was sick and wouldn't have been able to make sure that she received the best care possible. Things could have been so different if God had not been in control and watching out for my little girl. I just can't imagine if I had shown up today in the village and found out something had happened to her. Malaria is one of the primary killers of children in third world countries, and about every thirty seconds a child dies from malaria in Africa alone. This is the world that my baby lives in. It could have been her. It was so close to being her.

     I don't really have the words to express how thankful I am that she is okay. That I am the one who gets to take care of her as she recovers and makes sure she has someone to hold her when the fever comes. And that I get to spend another week with my beautiful Nettie. I would do anything for her, and I am so glad that God is watching out for her. I am glad that this morning she was able to smile again, telling me she is starting to feel a little more like herself. But the highlight of the past few days, was when she called me "Mama" for the first time. Friday was scary, yesterday was very long, but today was incredibly special. Just knowing that she wants me to be her mother and to care for her, truly means so much to me. I would do anything for her,  yet there are some things that even I can't do, which is why I am so glad that God is watching out for her. He is so faithful and His compassion runs so deep for His beloved children.

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the enemy’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Beginning Of New Things

 One week is all it took for me to fall in love with them completely. One week of caring for them for me to realize that my life is bound to theirs. One week to begin to understand more about God's plan for my life, than maybe I've understood the whole time I've been here. I'm not surprised though. When God wants to speak, it's always life changing and usually happens in a moment. Moments that reach to the very deepest part of your heart and stay there.

A good story always has a beginning, so I'll start there. In the village Zirobwe there are four children who live alone. Syrous is 11, Jophasi 7, Ronnie 5, and Nerima is 3 years old. Their mother passed away almost two years ago. Their father is neglects them, is abusive, and is hardly ever there. He has other families in other village and takes food and clothes from his children to his other families. So, Syrous takes care of them all.

When I met these children in July they were all as equally miserable as they were malnourished. They never played with the other children. They never talked. They never smiled. Syrus carried Nettie on his back everywhere and they always watched from a distanced. On Sundays at Sunday school I began to take Nettie from Syrous (screaming of course) and hold her until we finished the program. As the months passed the children slowly started participating more and occasionally one of them would smile (the older three only). Nettie stopped screaming when I held her and started falling asleep on me each week. Then came the day in December when Nettie smiled at me for the first time. That was the day when I realized that God was restoring these children's lives and that I was somehow involved. I fell in love with Nettie and started dreaming of the first time I would hear her laugh and talk, of when I would see her running around playing with other children, of when I'd get to dance with her. I prayed over her future and my heart burned for justice in her life. Two weeks ago, I heard her laugh and I saw her playing for the first time. I praised God for these unexpected milestones.

Then last Sunday we brought all four children to our house in Kampala. They will be going to boarding school here and so they had interviews at their school. They stayed in my room and I took care of them for four days. I gave them baths. I fed them three times a day. I took them to the medical clinic twice and held a screaming Nettie down as they took jiggers out of her feet. I arranged for Syrous to have a tooth pulled. I played with them. I disciplined them. I showed them how to use a toilet and then cleaned up the floors when they didn't understand. I sang them to sleep. I stayed up late to wash their dirty and soiled clothes. I held their hands as when we visited their school. I scrubbed floors and mattresses more times than I can count. I made sure they were dressed and clean every morning. That they took their medicine three times a day. That their teeth were brushed and they were under their mosquito net each night. I held Nettie each night as she coughed and crawled all over me. The days were hard and long and I never got enough sleep. I was taking care of four children who have been on their own for two years. Who haven't had parenting or discipline. Who have been through more than a child should ever go through. Who speak a completely different language then I do. Overnight, I became their mother, we became a team. I often got frustrated (at myself mostly), but I had help though from two of the other MST's, and I always went to bed thankful for the day.

Within the first few hours of being home Sunday all of the children were smiling and laughing. Nettie was suddenly speaking full sentences to me (she doesn't really talk to anyone else yet:). She had kissed me and told me she loved me multiple times. In fact, over four short days I saw these children open up, talk, and play, in ways that I've only dreamed of. Now instead of just thinking about Nettie, I was thinking about what the future holds for all of them. They are a family and should never be broken apart. I have just realized that I want to be a part of it. Once you've become a mother you don't simple stop being one; even if your children don't really belong to you. Syrous, Jophasi, Ronnie, and Nettie, have always truly belonged to God and He has been taking care of them long before I ever arrived. And I have no doubt that He will continue to do what is best for them.

 I know that I will be a part of their future. If that includes adopting the four of them, than I would gladly accept that responsibility and beautiful blessing. The truth is, adoption seems impossible right now. They still have a father who comes around sometimes. I am single and only about to turn 20. All things that hold me back from adopting them. But I'm not in a rush, I will be around for a long time. I don't need official proof, I'm meant to be their mother. Nothing will change how much I love them already. Everything else is up to God. I know He has a plan and that I can trust them to Him. Maybe I'm not ready to take them now. Maybe they aren't. Probably none of us are. The truth is I am at complete peace regarding our futures. All I am thinking about is today. Soon they will be at boarding school here in Kampala and I will be visiting them every weekend. It will be the best thing for them and I will still be a part of their lives.

I used to wish that I could change things for them. That they had two loving parents, and that they could finally be children like the deserve. But what this last week has taught me is, that God has the same plans for them and started this journey a long time ago.

 Just a few weeks ago, I was struggling to find the patience I needed. I had no idea what God was doing or why I was meant to stay in Kampala. The year seemed unclear and lacked a direct purpose. Funny, how quickly things can change. But God is always faithful, His timing is always right, and things have only just begun...

True Love

I know that I just wrote a blog entry a few days ago but I wanted to celebrate with you all that has happened. You may know of my dear Nettie, the 3 year old girl that has captured my heart here in Uganda. I've written of how she has changed in the past seven months and of the first time that I saw her smile. I also mentioned in a recent post that one of the things I was most looking forward to was seeing her laugh. It may have been clear that I love this little girl a lot. In fact, all I want is to be with her every moment of every day. But this is what I want to share with you, she loves me as well.

 I had the chance to spend the last two days with my Nehema (her full name) and it was more than perfect. She is more than perfect. When we arrived she was waiting for me. She smiled almost as much as I did. She played and laughed (something I have been long awaiting). She held me tightly and wouldn't let go. When it was time for me to leave today, she broke down in tears. This from the child who never showed emotion except when she was angry. This from the girl who screamed when I first held her. This from my beautiful Nettie and all because she wants me to love her. She knows I do and she is happy in my arms because she loves me too!

All I want is to take care of her and love her more than anyone has ever loved another person. I want her to grow up full of joy and knowing that she is loved. And I see that future for her know. One where her smile comes easily and her laugh is contagious. Somehow I know that I will be there too. I love her and time will not change that love. I've loved a lot of people and a lot of children, but I've never felt that it was so important for me to love them. I love her like she was my child and knowing that she has no mother to love her makes it so clear to me, that is why I'm here. True love.