Not Alone

     I always write from my heart and try to keep my blogs uplifting, but some entries are just more personal than others. This will be one of the more personal ones. I want to share what’s on my heart and I’m going to be completely honest about where I am at, today.

     Since I was little and can remember I’ve always had the mindset that I was on my own and the fear that I’d always be that way.  I’m not really sure if something happened to cause me to believe this or if this is just something that is rooted deep down inside of all of us.  I was hardly alone since I grew up with five sisters and three brothers, but those feelings of not belonging and wanting to never be on my own were certainly still there. And as I got older, I somehow convinced myself that I was supposed to be alone and that I didn’t really deserve to belong. Of course, that was all a lie but I believed it. I believed it so much so that I began to retreat into myself. I stopped talking to people and I persuaded myself that I was alone and that is what I would always be.

     Then God came around and completely turned my life and that theory upside down. My life suddenly was bigger than just me. It was the two of us till the end.  And while I began to believe that I did belong and I understood that He would always be with me, I never completely gave up the fear of being alone. As it became clearer that missions was in my future, I sort of assumed that this was why I’d felt like I was going to be alone. After all, I’d be on the other side of the world my whole life. Maybe God created some people that were just not meant to have deep relationships in their lives, or maybe it was just a sacrifice that I was supposed to make. Again, I was deceived.  It is never God intention or plan for any of us to be alone. Actually, everything about Him and who He is says the opposite. If you look at how He created things to be, it was all about relationship; with Him, with others. Throughout the bible and through story after story He shows us that life is centered on relationships and love. If we know anything about God how can we ever believe that He would want or expect us to accept being alone? When we tell ourselves that it’s something that we just have to deal with, we are settling for something far less than what God has for us;  something so great and beautiful, that He has been fighting for it since the beginning.

     I found it easier to let God in than I did to let other people in, and even when I did begin to restore and build relationships in my life, deep down I told myself they would come to an end. That I would find myself alone one day. But farther I get in life the more I realize that I could never be alone.  I have so many people that care about me, people that somehow despite how determined I was to not trust, I in fact trust completely. I have a family that love me deeply and that I know will always be a huge part of my life, no matter how many oceans I cross. I am supported and loved by my friends and my church in way that I didn’t think was possible. In fact, I know that the people around me believe in me more than I will ever be able to believe in myself in a moment or lifetime. In fact, I am beyond blessed when it comes to the people in my life and the relationships that I have. And from this truth, I find my purpose to love others. For if one person can be loved so much they cannot keep that love to themselves. The greater I am loved the more and the farther I will love, and the deeper and stronger that I love the greater and more I will be loved.  See love comes full circle. And life is nothing without it.

     I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own and known deep down that a vast and important part of who I am, is a mother. But that same childhood fear of ending up alone has haunted me all my life. Growing up, I was never interested in boys. I was so determined to figure out who I was, find my path in life, and follow God that I choose to put everything else aside until the time came that I was ready for it. I’m not sure I ever thought that day would come. But it did. A few months ago I realized that my mindset had changed. I hadn’t even noticed it changing but somehow it had and I knew deep down that the time had finally come. I was ready to find and to be with another person for the rest of my life. And not that it would happen that day or even tomorrow, but that realization that I was ready for my life to become less about me and more about someone else. I found that I had grown to that point in my life where I had become who I was, found my path, and been following God so much so that I wasn’t meant to be continuing on alone anymore. After so long of not even considering being in a relationship I found myself rather surprised that I was here already.  But things never happen without a purpose or a reason. And soon after realizing just how much I desired and longed to share my life with another person I started understanding how much harder it would be to wait. Once you have everything ready you begin walking down a road and I found myself anxious to start this journey. I finally knew without a doubt that I would get to have someone by my side for the rest of my life. That I would be a mother and I would have many children. And the last of the fears that were hidden inside me all dissipated; for lies and fear cannot remain where truth and hope are.  Without a doubt I believed for the first time in my life that I could count the days that I would be alone.

     I live in Uganda. I know that I will live in Africa for the rest of my life. I will work and serve the children and the people here until God tells me otherwise. I have children here too. That sounds like a lot and it would be easy for me to tell myself that it’s too much for anyone, but the truth is it’s perfect for him.  I am perfect for him. He is just right for me. We are made for each other. I can wait a few years for him because I know that it’s just a little longer until we find each other! 

I can look back on my life so far and see the journey and growth that I’ve gone through,  I can celebrate today being where I am, and I can see the beginnings of tomorrow waiting for me just around the bend; through all of this I have never been or will I ever be alone.

"Mama"

I am constantly reminded that I am in control of very little and that God is in control of everything. There is so much that I do not know, things that are happening around me and those that happen far away, but He does.

     On Friday morning the four children came to Kampala so that we could take them to boarding school. Nettie arrived very sick. When we took her temperature it was at 104 degrees. I rushed her to the medical clinic where she  tested positive with a severe case of  malaria. She was put on an IV immediately. We spent the night at Ray of Hope since she was still on the IV at that time. Saturday she was able to come home for a little bit and then she finished her last 4 hours on the IV in the evening. Today we stayed home from church and the village so that she could rest. Hopefully, she will be better by the end of the week and will be able to join her brothers at school.

     The crazy part about the past couple of days is that it could have turned out so differently. Malaria is preventable and it is treatable, but it is dangerous if left to it's own. If Nettie hadn't come to Kampala she would not have received medical attention. With a temperature that high, she probably would not have made it. If she hadn't had come I would have had no idea that she was sick and wouldn't have been able to make sure that she received the best care possible. Things could have been so different if God had not been in control and watching out for my little girl. I just can't imagine if I had shown up today in the village and found out something had happened to her. Malaria is one of the primary killers of children in third world countries, and about every thirty seconds a child dies from malaria in Africa alone. This is the world that my baby lives in. It could have been her. It was so close to being her.

     I don't really have the words to express how thankful I am that she is okay. That I am the one who gets to take care of her as she recovers and makes sure she has someone to hold her when the fever comes. And that I get to spend another week with my beautiful Nettie. I would do anything for her, and I am so glad that God is watching out for her. I am glad that this morning she was able to smile again, telling me she is starting to feel a little more like herself. But the highlight of the past few days, was when she called me "Mama" for the first time. Friday was scary, yesterday was very long, but today was incredibly special. Just knowing that she wants me to be her mother and to care for her, truly means so much to me. I would do anything for her,  yet there are some things that even I can't do, which is why I am so glad that God is watching out for her. He is so faithful and His compassion runs so deep for His beloved children.

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the enemy’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Beginning Of New Things

 One week is all it took for me to fall in love with them completely. One week of caring for them for me to realize that my life is bound to theirs. One week to begin to understand more about God's plan for my life, than maybe I've understood the whole time I've been here. I'm not surprised though. When God wants to speak, it's always life changing and usually happens in a moment. Moments that reach to the very deepest part of your heart and stay there.

A good story always has a beginning, so I'll start there. In the village Zirobwe there are four children who live alone. Syrous is 11, Jophasi 7, Ronnie 5, and Nerima is 3 years old. Their mother passed away almost two years ago. Their father is neglects them, is abusive, and is hardly ever there. He has other families in other village and takes food and clothes from his children to his other families. So, Syrous takes care of them all.

When I met these children in July they were all as equally miserable as they were malnourished. They never played with the other children. They never talked. They never smiled. Syrus carried Nettie on his back everywhere and they always watched from a distanced. On Sundays at Sunday school I began to take Nettie from Syrous (screaming of course) and hold her until we finished the program. As the months passed the children slowly started participating more and occasionally one of them would smile (the older three only). Nettie stopped screaming when I held her and started falling asleep on me each week. Then came the day in December when Nettie smiled at me for the first time. That was the day when I realized that God was restoring these children's lives and that I was somehow involved. I fell in love with Nettie and started dreaming of the first time I would hear her laugh and talk, of when I would see her running around playing with other children, of when I'd get to dance with her. I prayed over her future and my heart burned for justice in her life. Two weeks ago, I heard her laugh and I saw her playing for the first time. I praised God for these unexpected milestones.

Then last Sunday we brought all four children to our house in Kampala. They will be going to boarding school here and so they had interviews at their school. They stayed in my room and I took care of them for four days. I gave them baths. I fed them three times a day. I took them to the medical clinic twice and held a screaming Nettie down as they took jiggers out of her feet. I arranged for Syrous to have a tooth pulled. I played with them. I disciplined them. I showed them how to use a toilet and then cleaned up the floors when they didn't understand. I sang them to sleep. I stayed up late to wash their dirty and soiled clothes. I held their hands as when we visited their school. I scrubbed floors and mattresses more times than I can count. I made sure they were dressed and clean every morning. That they took their medicine three times a day. That their teeth were brushed and they were under their mosquito net each night. I held Nettie each night as she coughed and crawled all over me. The days were hard and long and I never got enough sleep. I was taking care of four children who have been on their own for two years. Who haven't had parenting or discipline. Who have been through more than a child should ever go through. Who speak a completely different language then I do. Overnight, I became their mother, we became a team. I often got frustrated (at myself mostly), but I had help though from two of the other MST's, and I always went to bed thankful for the day.

Within the first few hours of being home Sunday all of the children were smiling and laughing. Nettie was suddenly speaking full sentences to me (she doesn't really talk to anyone else yet:). She had kissed me and told me she loved me multiple times. In fact, over four short days I saw these children open up, talk, and play, in ways that I've only dreamed of. Now instead of just thinking about Nettie, I was thinking about what the future holds for all of them. They are a family and should never be broken apart. I have just realized that I want to be a part of it. Once you've become a mother you don't simple stop being one; even if your children don't really belong to you. Syrous, Jophasi, Ronnie, and Nettie, have always truly belonged to God and He has been taking care of them long before I ever arrived. And I have no doubt that He will continue to do what is best for them.

 I know that I will be a part of their future. If that includes adopting the four of them, than I would gladly accept that responsibility and beautiful blessing. The truth is, adoption seems impossible right now. They still have a father who comes around sometimes. I am single and only about to turn 20. All things that hold me back from adopting them. But I'm not in a rush, I will be around for a long time. I don't need official proof, I'm meant to be their mother. Nothing will change how much I love them already. Everything else is up to God. I know He has a plan and that I can trust them to Him. Maybe I'm not ready to take them now. Maybe they aren't. Probably none of us are. The truth is I am at complete peace regarding our futures. All I am thinking about is today. Soon they will be at boarding school here in Kampala and I will be visiting them every weekend. It will be the best thing for them and I will still be a part of their lives.

I used to wish that I could change things for them. That they had two loving parents, and that they could finally be children like the deserve. But what this last week has taught me is, that God has the same plans for them and started this journey a long time ago.

 Just a few weeks ago, I was struggling to find the patience I needed. I had no idea what God was doing or why I was meant to stay in Kampala. The year seemed unclear and lacked a direct purpose. Funny, how quickly things can change. But God is always faithful, His timing is always right, and things have only just begun...

True Love

I know that I just wrote a blog entry a few days ago but I wanted to celebrate with you all that has happened. You may know of my dear Nettie, the 3 year old girl that has captured my heart here in Uganda. I've written of how she has changed in the past seven months and of the first time that I saw her smile. I also mentioned in a recent post that one of the things I was most looking forward to was seeing her laugh. It may have been clear that I love this little girl a lot. In fact, all I want is to be with her every moment of every day. But this is what I want to share with you, she loves me as well.

 I had the chance to spend the last two days with my Nehema (her full name) and it was more than perfect. She is more than perfect. When we arrived she was waiting for me. She smiled almost as much as I did. She played and laughed (something I have been long awaiting). She held me tightly and wouldn't let go. When it was time for me to leave today, she broke down in tears. This from the child who never showed emotion except when she was angry. This from the girl who screamed when I first held her. This from my beautiful Nettie and all because she wants me to love her. She knows I do and she is happy in my arms because she loves me too!

All I want is to take care of her and love her more than anyone has ever loved another person. I want her to grow up full of joy and knowing that she is loved. And I see that future for her know. One where her smile comes easily and her laugh is contagious. Somehow I know that I will be there too. I love her and time will not change that love. I've loved a lot of people and a lot of children, but I've never felt that it was so important for me to love them. I love her like she was my child and knowing that she has no mother to love her makes it so clear to me, that is why I'm here. True love.

A Time to Wait

I like to always be doing something; a fact which I doubt would surprise anyone who knows me. I would much rather be following my heart or stepping out in faith than waiting patiently for something to happen. I can be patient, but it isn’t a word that I would quickly use to describe myself.

The last couple weeks I can honestly say that I haven’t been patient. At the beginning of the new year I had plans, dreams, and ideas about what I would be doing, how long it would take, and how I saw it all working out. I’m a dreamer, I get excited and passionate about the dreams that I have. I’ve never been afraid to step out in faith, to trust God to come through, or to make sacrifices. But I also get discouraged easily when I have to wait or when things change. In the past months I’ve grown a lot in these areas, but I certainly a long ways to go.

I can’t stand to waste time. I have to be doing something. I want to be in the village serving the children, spending time with God, building stronger relationships with the people around me. I can always do more; I always should be doing more. This is how my mind works. It’s is not the best mind set and can be a very draining one. It mostly comes from living in a third world country. Seeing the depth and greatness of the need here and wanting to give myself wholly to what God is doing here. The problem comes when I feel as if I am not doing enough or exactly what I should be doing. Yes, I live in Uganda. Yes, I go to projects and work with and serve children every day. But this is so far from ALL that I want to do. And often I want to do so much more than I am currently doing.

It’s a bit of good and bad really. As soon as God speaks I am moving because I am constantly listening for His voice, but if I’m waiting for Him to speak and I feel as if I should already be moving it creates frustration. If I had the choice I would be living in a village without any electricity, plumbing, or civilization. I would be living each day with the people, children, and community around me. There are so many dreams that I know will come into fruition in the years to come but the time just isn’t right yet.

I don’t really know why (the frustrating part), that I need to wait right now. Why I feel so passionately about things that I can’t accomplish right now. But these are things that I know God has placed in my future and will happen. It is just that often times I feel so strongly about them, I don’t want to wait until the timing is right. I want to be doing everything that God has for me and be as useful to the Lord as I can be. At the same time, I know that I am doing what God has for me today, and that I am most useful to the Lord when I trust Him in all circumstances. If I try to rush the plans that He has for me then I will not only miss a lot of what I am supposed to learn and do, but I will also not see things work out the way that I want them too.

It really comes down to choosing each day to be content with what God has for me and rejoicing in that moment. It means trusting Him to lead me when it’s right for me to go. It means still keeping my dreams alive but finding joy while I wait for them to happen. It means giving up my control, my desires, and what I think should be happening, and instead walking under His control, desires, and what He wants to happen. I believe that I will one day be exactly where my heart longs to be, but it won’t be on my own doing and it won’t be until the Lord leads me there. Until then, I will look to Him daily for direction and learn to be patient when it means waiting. Waiting doesn’t mean that I am not doing anything, just that I am doing something very specific; sitting at His feet, eyes on Him, hands raised, alive in that very place.

The End of 2012

     Wow, it’s been quite a while since I wrote my last blog entry. The biggest news of the last month was my surprise trip home for Christmas. Within two weeks of finding out that I would be back for Christmas, I home. I spent over three weeks back in Redding and used all of my time to visit with my family and close friends. It was an incredible blessing and a gift I am extremely grateful for. It came at the exact right time and not only made Christmas really special but gave me the opportunity to see all of my loved ones and be refreshed for the rest of my time here in Uganda. I praise God for knowing me better than I know myself and seeing how badly I missed my family. I also thank those who brought me home for Christmas, it was the best Christmas ever and I am exceedingly thankful to you!

Holding Nettie.

     The last week that I was in Uganda I spent in the village; perfect ending to 2012. I spent Sunday through Wednesday in Zirobwe, and with all of my precious children. My favorite part was spending each day with Nettie. I would go and pick her up from her house, give her a bath, dress her, clean her wounds, remove any jiggers, feed her, hold her (often through her nap), play with her, and just treasure the time I had with her. 

Zirobwe children recieving shoes!

     On Sunday we gave out shoes to all of the Sunday school children. These were shoes that the children from my church The Stirring and other friends had raised money for. We gave out almost 200 pairs of shoes and will be giving out the rest (about 200 more) in the next couple of months. Again, thank you, to all of you who made giving the village children shoes possible, they were so excited and happy to have new shoes!

Zirobwe children

      We also had a big Christmas party in the village. More than 400 children came and filled the church. The party was so much fun and definitely one of my favorite moments of this past year. Of course, anything with children and dancing is going to be amazing!

Dancing with Kasuja

      One of the best parts of going home was surprising everyone. See, no one knew I was coming back (after all, barely knew myself:) I thoroughly enjoyed showing up at people’s doors, walking down hallways, and into rooms and seeing the looks on the faces of those that I love most. There were tears and looks of shock, and a lot of frozen people. But I was more than happy to be the one doing the hugging, after all I wasn’t supposed to be home and if I hadn’t been laughing I probably would have been crying too! I really did just spend all my time with my family and closest friends (including my best goat friends) and each day was filled with new memories, laughter, and a lot of joy. Thank you, to everyone who not only made time to see me but made my short time truly magical. I love you guys so much and can’t wait to see you in another 15 months.

With the Mosely boys.

With Claire and her goats!

With six of my siblings:)

With my Mom.

With my youngest sister, Audrey!

With my sister, Megan.

     So, now I am back in Uganda. I arrived last Saturday. I’ve been to the village on Sunday and seen Nettie. We spent the week in Kampala doing projects here, Sanyu Babies Home, Jaja’s Orphanage, Katalemwa Children’s Hospital, and lots of programs with the Neighborhood kids. And all of this was done without our vans (which are currently broken down), which meant LOTS of taxis and boda bodas.

The Neighborhood Children

   

   It has been great to be back in Uganda and to be dreaming about 2013. I am so excited about what God has in store for me and those here. It is going to be an incredible year!

 

My Nettie!

She Trusts Me!

I came to Zirobwe on my first day in Uganda, and I fell in love with this place right then. It would be hard not to love the people here, the children, the community, the hot days, beautiful green landscape, and blue skies. These are all things that I am immersed in while in Zirobwe, and I could easily be happy here the rest of my life. The longer I spend in Zirobwe the more and the stronger are the relationships that I build grow. I frequently take long walks around the village going to visit different families that I have gotten to know well. And even though I am nowhere close to knowing all of the children’s names (I still meet new ones all the time) I have put so many names to their faces.

One of the families that I know consists of three boys and a girl, and sometimes their father. They lost their mother earlier this summer before I came. The father is often away and when he is home he can be abusive. When I met these children they had just become sponsored and they were getting ready to go to school for the first time in their lives. The oldest boy was 11 and taking care of his three younger siblings, the youngest of which was not even two. He used to always carry her everywhere and she would cry when he put her down. None of the four children smiled much; in fact it was clear that they were struggling with the recent passing of their mother. The youngest Nettie always had a permanent frown on her face and would scream if anyone came near her. 

It took many weeks before Nettie would let me come near her and hold her. Even so the frown stayed and it always felt like I was carrying dead weight. Still, every Sunday when I saw her I would run up to her and pick her up. I would hold her through our whole Sunday school service, often getting up with her to lead worship or the story. Sometimes, she would even fall asleep on me. Our relationship was completely one sided, she only tolerated me. 

I’m not really sure when it changed. This whole time I have simply wanted her to feel loved. No child especially one so young should feel so hurt and abandoned. Each time I held her I would comfort her and tell her that I loved her. Slowly, she stopped squirming when I picked her up, and she was content to sit with, and unhappy when I put her down.   

Then this past Saturday something happened that I will remember for the rest of my life.  The sponsorship day Christmas party was at our house that day and all of the children who are sponsored came for it, including Nettie and her brothers. It was her first time in Kampala and I saw Nettie standing to the side looking very overwhelmed. I ran over and picked her up as I always do. I held her as we did registration and she fell asleep on me right away. I debated laying her down inside but I decided to wait a little longer. When the music started she woke up. I remember she started playing with my hair (which I happened to have down that day), and I gave her a big smile. She had never really done anything but sit and I was thrilled that she was playing with my hair. I just kept looking down at her and smiling. And suddenly, her face completely changed. The deep frown, which was the only expression I’d ever seen on this two year old, was gone, and in its place was a beautiful smile. As quickly as it had come it was gone, but my heart had stopped for a moment. I didn’t think that I would ever see this little girl smile; I didn’t know she could smile. Never has a child’s smile brought me so much joy.

 After almost 7 months of loving her she finally knew and understood how much I cared about her, and she was happy about that. Later, that day after she had woken up again I received my second smile, and then one more as I held her before she left. Nettie’s smiles are very brief but they completely change her face, and suddenly you can see just how beautiful this child is. With her huge brown eyes a smile lights her whole face up.

 

The next day was Sunday and we always come to the village on Sundays to teach Sunday school. It was the children’s day here so the kids sang and preformed a Christmas play for the church. I had been in charge of the play and was narrating, so of course Nettie slept on my while I did that. In the afternoon when everyone else went home I stayed in Zirobwe along with one of the other girls. I got to hold her later and again she smiled at me.

Monday, I took it upon myself to scrub her down, do something about all the ringworm growing in her hair, and remove any jiggers that she had. The first two were easy enough. But I had to call one of the other girls to help me remove a jigger from her finger. I have removed a few jiggers from my own feet (they are something that you can’t really escape if it ever rains while you are in the village), but they are easy to take out and not very painful if you get them out before the eggs hatch. The jigger we found on her thumb was very infected and it was huge. I held her; kissed her, and whispered to her while Nahni used a needle to extract the giant jigger sack. It was bigger than her nail and left a deep hole about half the size of her finger. She didn’t cry the whole time. I can only imagine how painful it had been for her.

In moments like those I wish that I could protect her. I don’t want to have to take jiggers out of her fingers and feet. I don’t want her to be hungry all the time because it’s just her and her brothers. I don’t want her to grow up in the situation that she is in. I want to do something about it. Yet, I realize that only God can really protect her. I won’t always be there for her but He will. And for the time that I’ve had with her I have made a difference already. Even if it’s just showing her that she can trust someone and reminding her how to smile. That’s pretty big. And I am so blessed to have been that person who was there to hold her. 

In years to come, when I’m thinking back about my time in Africa, I know that I will think of Nettie and of the first time I saw her smile. Maybe one day, I’ll even get to hear her laugh. It’s something that I’ll most certainly be praying for.