Our Anointed Calling

     I may not be the wisest or oldest person but I know that happiness is not what any of us truly desire. The world tells us it is what we should strive for and many have convinced themselves that happiness is all that they are after, but if it really was our heart desire to simply be happy, we would be. Instead we are constantly unhappy and unsatisfied with what we have, because nothing makes us happy enough. 
     I've met people in life who are happy, but their happiness is not based on their circumstances, their financial means, or anything that they have acheived. They are happy because it is not their end goal and they have allowed themselves to enjoy the moments of today. Maybe coincidentally, the happiest people I've met seem to be children who have nothing. But I don't really believe in coincidences, these children have accepted that life is hard and choose to laugh and play all the same. We could learn something from them. 
     See I think that we assume that happy and easy go hand and hand, but happiness is not based on anything but our choice to be so, and therefore can be one of the hardest things to obtain if that is what we are after. Our warped view of happiness is that it should meet all of our hopes, expectations, and dreams, and therefore it must be costly and hard to reach. As if we could ever gain happiness from striving after it. Happiness is free and limitless, it comes naturally with knowing and accepting who we are and opening our eyes to the depth of God's love towards for us. But again, I don't think that this is what any of us truly desire as our end goal, we have a heart after God's own and we know that we were created to be more than just happy.  
     So, why do we live our lives like that is what we are after? Do we not realize that whatever it is that we choose to devote ourselves to becomes the most important thing to us?
     I don't want to be happy. I want to be so much more than that. I want to live, not how anyone else thinks I should live but exactly how I was created to live, fully alive. I want to dance, not only when the time is right, but always, in each and every moment of life. I want to worship, and not depending on any circumstance of life but solely on Christ's unchanging love, therefore it should be my only response through eternity. I want to know and see God, not just know about or be waiting to see, I want to really know Him and really see Him, now. And I want to be, like a tree just as God created it to be; ever-changing, always growing, dependent only on God, standing tall, rooted deep, blooming exactly where God planted it, and always pointing upwards at it's Creator. 
    No, happiness was never meant to satisfy us or to be our end goal, because that would mean it was filling the place that only God is meant to stay. No, I don't want to be happy. I want to be loved. Not by anyone, but by Someone, and see the wonderful crazy thing is, that I am. Already, nothing I can do about it, never going change, end goal, done.
    We were never meant to be happy, because we were anointed to be loved by God our Father, and it's way better to be loved than just happy! 

The Joy of His Presence

"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever." --Psalms16:11

      I have found that it can be easy to be taken in by your surroundings and the situations that you are facing, and easier still to forget to consider the bigger picture. When you are committed to and fully engaged in something that you consider good, it's very hard to disengage yourself and leave. But no matter how good something is, it is only meant to last for a time. As my time here in Uganda comes to a close, I thank God for the time that I have been given and choose to continue on the path that God has laid before me. 
     When you spend fourteen months away from your home, your friends, and your family you are forced to hold on to something, and that is God. You can't spend each day serving others without finding peace and strength in the Lord. You can't spend each day seeing the consequences of poverty  without first letting the Lord's joy fill your spirit. Unless you choose to seek the Lord presence and put your trust in Him you will never find what you are looking for, no matter where you go or where you are.
     I am so excited to be coming home and to be continuing on the journey that God has ahead of me. I will wait on God and let Him direct me each and every day, letting His presence fill me with joy and strength.

"A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven"

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven..." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

Life is never as clear cut and simple as we would like it to be; there are always tough choices to make and disappointments to be had, there are always goodbyes to be said, and time sometimes flies by too quickly and other periods drag too slowly. Yet the beauty of life can be found: in the moments of those important choices we make; in the hope we show through our disappointments; in our willingness to open ourselves up to future goodbyes; and in our ability to cherish the time we have, minutes or years.

In the past couple of years, I’ve learned a lot about living in and valuing the time that I am given. It’s never easy when your heart is divided (in my case between two separate countries) because it is always yearning for what you don’t have, but instead you can choose to focus your heart fully on what you do have. In doing so you will find that what you have is always better because it is made for you at that moment. At least this is what I have found to be true. When I am here in Uganda, I dearly miss those at home, and when I am home, I dearly miss those in Uganda.

With June arriving my time left seems so short and my departure already upon me. And that means it’s almost time for me to say goodbye to all that I so deeply love. I know that it is time for me to go home and finish school, and I am excited to do so, but I know that it is going to be incredibly hard to leave the life that I’ve been living here in Africa. It’s hard to imagine just picking up and leaving after working so hard to build a life here with people that I genuinely care about, and it’s hard to visualize myself going home because I’ve grown since I left and I’m not the same person that I was.

Yet these are nothing in comparison to the anxiety I feel when I think about having to leave those that have become my children in the year that I’ve spent here. While it’s difficult being away from the children that I love back at home it’s made easier because I know they have families who love them and will take care of them. The same is not true for these children. And though I will be saying goodbye with every intention of returning, I am still leaving them. I think especially of the three that call me “Mama Shannon,” Nettie, Ziyada, and John. They think of me as their mother, but what mother parts from her children?
 

 

My dearest  Nettie (four years old) still avoids talking to anyone but me and her brothers, refuses to smile or laugh without first being held, and is unwilling to participate in anything without first being reassured. What will happen when I leave her, will she continue to blossom or will she retreat even deeper into herself? Who will be the one to visit her on Saturdays at boarding school, to bring her juice and biscuits, to sit and hold her, to show her that she has been remembered? Who will whisper into her ear, “I love you very much, Nettie?!” And when she in the village on holiday, who will make sure she has eaten and is alright? Nerima has started transforming from the broken, bitter, and lonely child that she was when I met her a year ago, and is becoming a beautiful, whole, tender, and loving girl whose future is open to all opportunities. My heart is already breaking when I think that the day is coming when I cannot see her, wrap her in my arms tightly, and protect her and calm her fears.

 

My sweet Ziyada is still just three years old and only just began school but already is so mature and wise beyond her years. I will have only known her for under six months when I go but she captured my heart that first day I met her. An orphaned child living with a relative and her many children, she was unable to go to school, and was without hope for her future. I am amazed by how quickly she has begun to pick up English and with how happy she is, for my sweet Ziyada is always smiling. This precious girl whose joy is contagious and hugs are to be treasured has changed her name to Ziyada Shannon because she says she wants everyone to know that she has a muzungu (white) mother who loves her very much. I don’t even know how to wrap my mind around the fact that God could use me in such a way that a three year old girl would want to forever be associated to me. My time with Ziyada is just beginning and already it’s ending, even if it’s only for a couple of years it will be far too long. I want to see her grow and more than that I want to be a continual part of her life. I want to be there as she celebrates each day and every year of her life, and so knowing that I will miss the next few weighs so heavily on my heart.

 

My precious John Trevor is eleven years old and has such faith in God that it rivals anyone I’ve ever met. He is a boy who has nothing in the world’s eyes and who would be pitted by most people, yet he has what we all long for and really matters, a deep unconditional trust in God. I first met John when I was teaching English in his class at the school New Brainstorm. He caught my eye not because he was the only one who knew every answer *which he did) but because of the deep respect and eagerness to serve that he showed me. I have never known an eleven year old boy whose behavior could only be described as a child of Christ. In fact he constantly is an example to me of how we are all meant to live our lives. But I remember the day that God laid John on my heart and I knew that I was meant to be a part of his life, I came to his school one day and he gave me a letter in which he thanked me for bringing cookies to the previous class, his words were, “My dearest teacher, I wanted to thank you for bring food to class last time, because of you I did not go hungry that day. Most days I do not have food because I am alone and have no parents but that is alright because God brought you to me so that I would not be hungry. May I call you mother? I have no mother and you are like my mother because you care for me and feed me.  I want to be your son. May God bless you because you have loved me.” I cried reading his letter. I had done nothing but bring some cookies and popcorn to class as a celebration for my students hard work, and yet without my knowing it had meant something so deep to this young boy who was used to going to school without food all day. I know that even his faith was being tested around this time and somehow the simple act of me giving him a cookie was God encouraging and speaking to him. I don’t know why God choose me to be the one who could bless this child but I do know that He loves John very dearly and would use anyone and everyone to let him know. My John who loves to play soccer, has a beautiful touching voice, who will spend his holiday drawing twenty seven pictures for me, and whose smile melts my heart every time. My dear John calls me “Mama” and doesn’t want me to ever leave, but I must. I can’t imagine when I can longer visit him, when I can’t bring him food, or write him a letter. When I won’t see his whole face light up at the smallest things and see his great kindness towards others. How hard it will be to say goodbye to my precious son.

So you see, saying goodbye will not be easy and leaving will be even harder, for my heart has found a home with these children. But I know without a doubt that I was not the first to love them and that God’s love for them will always be greater than my own. That though I may not be the one to hold them, provide for them, and show them that they are loved, God will. In fact, He will do so in ways that I cannot even imagine and that will means so much more to them than anything that I could ever do for them would. He will be the one whispering to them; not to give up, that they are loved, and that He will never leave them. He will hold them tightly and calm their fears, He will celebrate each and every moment of their lives with them, and He will be their Father.

He is my Father too, and so I know that cares for me and my heart as well and will care for them enough for both of us. I entrust them into His capable hands, for I know that I will also be close to Him, looking to Him for strength and courage to face each morning without them.

L'absence diminue les médiocres passions, et augmente les grandes, comme le vent éteint les bougies et allume le feu.

Absence extinguishes the minor passions and increases the great ones, as the wind blows out a candle and fans a fire.                                                                     

-Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld



 

 

Simply Trust God

       I really love that God has plans for me that even I don't understand, that His timing is always perfect, and that I can't rush the will of God. I know that if my life were in my own hands I'd be in trouble because I always live in the moment and never have any idea of where I'm going till I arrive. But God knows us better than we know ourselves and He has seen the past, is with us now, and knows the future. There are certainly many times when I have no idea what God is doing or why He is leading me in a specific direction, but I've learned that in those times it is vital for me to simply trust God. I don't need to always know why things happen the way the do or why they change, instead I should be rejoicing in the truth that God is always faithful and knows when it is time for me to do something else.
       It's May 18th today, which means that I've been away from home for exactly one year. It's seems so long and yet the time has flown so fast. When I came here I really didn't know if I'd be able to make it this long, if I would be able to say goodbye and leave everything that I know and the people that I love and just serve and love the Lord. But it's been a lot easier than I thought it would be and it has been an incredible year. It seems like an even bigger landmark for me because I know that I'm going home early now, in two months. Suddenly, my time is almost over and this journey is coming to a close. I'm excited to be going home but it's so unreal to realize that in a very short amount of time I'll be living in the States again.
      This past month has been one of the hardest that I've had since I've been living here in Uganda. It's been a time where I've really had to look to God for direction, clarity, and wisdom. There have been times that I've had no idea what is going on and had to trust that God knows everything and He knows my heart.  If I'm being honest I still find it hard sometimes to accept God's will in my life, even after a year of being completely out of control. I can very easily get caught up in whatever I'm doing and not hear the quiet whisper of the Lord. In fact sometimes it seems as if the God has to hit me on the head with a hammer to get my attention. Then again, I've always been pretty headstrong. When the Lord started laying it on my heart to go home I wasn't so sure how I felt about this idea. I had my plans, my little schedule of my life, and I was comfortable with that. I didn't want to just let it go because to me it seemed like taking a step backward. So, I prayed. I prayed and prayed until I was sure that there was no way I was staying here in Uganda or going anywhere else but home. With prayer comes conformation and as soon as I knew that this was where God wanted me I felt peace and excitement. If this is what God has for me than I'm moving forward by trusting Him and obeying. I don't have to understand all of (or any) the reasons because it's enough for me just trusting in God. He knows so more than I do and He always has a purpose. In fact over the past couple weeks He's been opening my eyes just a few of the things that He has waiting for me and I am looking forward to the next few years so much!
   God is God and I am not, and I am so glad that it's that way!
   

Living Out A Vision

There is such a difference between being passionate about something and living out the life God has placed on your heart. Passion is feeling something burn deep inside but that in itself is not enough, you have to be brave enough to let that fire lead you to do something. I am not content to keep the dreams and visions that God has placed in my heart hidden away from the world. He has called me to live them each day.

                I was fourteen when God began to tell me that He was going to send me out all across the world.  I thought He was crazy. Why would God chose me to speak or to go to anyone; a person who wanted nothing more than to hide from everyone and not be seen?  But I continued to dream of living overseas. It led me to start pursuing Christ because I wanted to know who God was that He would send me. And as I began to find God I began to see who I was in His eyes. And it set me free from the fear that I had let rule my life. And once that fear was gone I couldn’t find anything that was holding me back from living out that vision.

See God’s heart burns for justice. And He wants nothing more than to use His children to bring that justice to the ends of the earth. As His daughter my heart burns for the same thing. Often I end up over my head in something because I cannot hold myself back from moving when that passion is ignited in the deepest place within my heart. I have not been called to bring justice to the world just to be willing to open my eyes to the ones around me. I will serve faithfully and humbly and let God be in control of everything.

When I see a child, I see God. God is all around us and shows Himself in different ways, and to me I often see Him in the purity, honesty, and faithfulness in children. When they smile I know what God meant for beauty. When I hear them laugh I can hear God laughing along with them and celebrating in their joy. So, I’m not surprised that when I gave my future to Christ He chose to use me in a way that I would always be aware of Him. To serve a child is to let God to do great things. God has told me things about the future and where he is leading me but for this time the vision He has given me is about staying where He has placed me and loving unconditionally. I have so many dreams about Africa, about starting orphanages, about teaching the uneducated children in remote villages, about seeing a generation of children confident and steadfast in their identities in Christ. Yet, today I am simply meant to be here in Uganda with my heart open to voice of the Lord and my eyes open to see the people around me. So, when God tells me that a child needs a mother figure, or that a deaf boy should be given a voice, or that there are children who need a chance to learn, that is living out the vision that God has placed on my life. Putting myself after others and putting God first, so that He can do the work. It’s His hand that will lead people to His Son, it is His voice that will change hearts, and His love that will redeem lives. I am just here to serve Him and to love those around me.

And so daily, I ask God that He would help me to become more faithful, more humble, and more willing to do anything for Him. My hope and trust are in Him and He will always be in control of everything, including me.

I’ve included some pictures of a few of the precious children that God has placed on my heart and are part of the vision that God has given me.

Our Pursuit

In our pursuit to know God more what is it that we are searching for? And are we waiting for something to happen or are we allowing each day to change us? Do our lives look different because we know Christ and are living for Him? I often ask myself these questions and I'm not sure that I have the right answers, but I know that I will continue to search out His truth and I know that one day I will be with the one I am seeking. 

First, I have to ask myself honestly, am I on a journey to know God more? To me this simply means that I desire to being walking towards the Lord and that I would rather see, hear, and serve Him more than I wish to see, hear, or serve myself. Is this the case every moment, maybe not, I struggle every day. But even though I lose focus sometimes my heart still yearns for Him and I will continue to seek Him through the end of all things. If I ask myself what I would want most in life, the answer is clear and unvarying, I want Christ. I have found that earthly pleasures do not last and bring no joy or peace, yet the love of Christ lasts through eternity and brings complete joy and peace. Why would I spend my life searching after anything less than truth and why would I choose to serve anyone other than my Savior? I give my life to know Christ and to be changed by His great love and to be filled by His uncontainable joy.

I don’t believe that we are just waiting for Christ’s return. Nor do I think that each day doesn’t matter. If God didn’t have something for you to do then you wouldn’t be on this earth. If you still wake with breath in your lungs then God is not finished with you. It is simple to wait for the future, it is easy to remember the past, but it is harder to live in the present. Instead of looking towards what is ahead of you, we should be a part of Christ’s work here on earth today. And often He begins with changing you. How can we expect to serve Christ when we have not surrendered our whole lives to Him? If we don’t allow God to change us each day than how can He draw us closer to Him? I know that God has really been working in my life through the past few years and has changed me as I’ve grown closer to Him. But at the same time I know that I have a long journey ahead of me and I and my reflection often looks more like me than like my Savior. There are many things that I can feel the Lord chipping away at and refining so that I do not stand in the way of His perfection.

If I could learn to have a humble heart and unwavering willingness to love and serve every person that I see, than I would know that I have finally begun to follow Christ unconditionally. Living in a third world country has taught me that you can always go farther and do more to love than you thought you could. And while I try to live my life out of a servant’s heart and with generosity, I fall so short each day. My pride and competitiveness get in the way so often and I ignore the voice that is telling me to be humble and to simply love. Simply love. Such and basic and beautiful idea but so much harder to grasp onto and live out. I want that to be my life, full God, truth, love, compassion, and humbleness. We are changed from the inside out and I believe that this is a lifelong practice. I won’t change overnight, but if I follow Christ then each day I will become a little less self-serving.

Yes, my life is different than the average person that you might meet in a coffee shop or at the gym, but my life is far from as unusual as it could be and I believe will be some day. Just putting my education on hold and moving to Uganda for two years isn’t anything special or radical, but choosing to live my life solely for others can be. This is only the beginning of my walk with Christ and I know that my journey is far from over. In fact, this might be one of the moments that I look back on and think “wow, I really had it easy and normal back then.”  Life can be rough but when you are in God’s will and are trusting in His goodness, you receive more joy and peace than if you had been in control the whole time. I’d follow to the ends of the earth if He asked me and I’m not quite sure that He won’t, but wherever I am I hope that I am living my life differently and that God is being glorified. My life is pretty messy but with God all things are possible. And I believe that all things will happen in my life. 

Life With God

It’s not uncommon for me to feel knocked down. Whoever first said that “life isn't easy” had it right. Of course, they probably missed all the good that can come out of life being anything but easy. But being in the middle of life’s mess and feeling as if you are continually being punched while you’re down, doesn't make you want to think of all the good that might come if you ever reach the other side. The truth is that when we are discouraged, frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed it’s easy to let ourselves continue down that path. It also makes us a very easy target for more heartache.

A few weeks ago, when we were coming home from the village I lost my bag out the back of the car. What bothered me the most was that I also lost my journal and my bible. The journal was only a few pages from completion and carried everything from my time in Uganda thus far. The bible I've had since before I started pursuing Christ and was probably more highlighted and filled with notes than not. To lose two things so personal really made me feel like I had been punched in the gut. And sort of without realizing it I became discouraged.

I’m not that great at hiding it when something is bothering me. I just stop talking, or stop acting like myself, or both; which then frustrates me that I’m not able to control my emotions better. Little things start getting on my nerves and I suddenly am completely overwhelmed. That is about when I got sick. I hate being sick, especially here. And it makes me disappointed when I have to miss projects.

Then about a week ago I realized that financially I’m short this month. Short a lot. To this point (about eleven months) I've never had to worry about meeting my monthly bills. I always had enough and sometimes more through the generous support of others.  In fact last month, I used everything that I had been given and been able to save for the past months to sponsor six children for a year. I had really felt God led me to do this and without a second thought done so. These children go to one of the schools we visit and were according to headmaster six children really needed some help.  Then this month comes around and I realize I’m really short. I know that I was meant to help those kids and I am sure God will provide just as He always has. It’s almost time for me to get a work visa and I’m sure God will work that out and provide financially for that as well. I guess that I've have just learned that He is always in control and worrying about anything is pointless because He will always come through.

 I've learned that God works in ways we don’t expect and just have to trust Him unconditionally. If I let the situations or people around me dictate how I live my life than I simply will have lived “life isn't easy”, but if I choose to thrive in God when I cannot stand on my own than I will be living  “life with God”. After all, that is what life is about here on earth. Not me or my crazy life, but God and His unending love. So, if you are feeling discouraged, frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed, spend some time with God and let Him strengthen and encourage you. Because He is always enough.

 “For if my God is for me, than who could ever stop me. And if my God is with me, than what could stand against.”

Not Alone

     I always write from my heart and try to keep my blogs uplifting, but some entries are just more personal than others. This will be one of the more personal ones. I want to share what’s on my heart and I’m going to be completely honest about where I am at, today.

     Since I was little and can remember I’ve always had the mindset that I was on my own and the fear that I’d always be that way.  I’m not really sure if something happened to cause me to believe this or if this is just something that is rooted deep down inside of all of us.  I was hardly alone since I grew up with five sisters and three brothers, but those feelings of not belonging and wanting to never be on my own were certainly still there. And as I got older, I somehow convinced myself that I was supposed to be alone and that I didn’t really deserve to belong. Of course, that was all a lie but I believed it. I believed it so much so that I began to retreat into myself. I stopped talking to people and I persuaded myself that I was alone and that is what I would always be.

     Then God came around and completely turned my life and that theory upside down. My life suddenly was bigger than just me. It was the two of us till the end.  And while I began to believe that I did belong and I understood that He would always be with me, I never completely gave up the fear of being alone. As it became clearer that missions was in my future, I sort of assumed that this was why I’d felt like I was going to be alone. After all, I’d be on the other side of the world my whole life. Maybe God created some people that were just not meant to have deep relationships in their lives, or maybe it was just a sacrifice that I was supposed to make. Again, I was deceived.  It is never God intention or plan for any of us to be alone. Actually, everything about Him and who He is says the opposite. If you look at how He created things to be, it was all about relationship; with Him, with others. Throughout the bible and through story after story He shows us that life is centered on relationships and love. If we know anything about God how can we ever believe that He would want or expect us to accept being alone? When we tell ourselves that it’s something that we just have to deal with, we are settling for something far less than what God has for us;  something so great and beautiful, that He has been fighting for it since the beginning.

     I found it easier to let God in than I did to let other people in, and even when I did begin to restore and build relationships in my life, deep down I told myself they would come to an end. That I would find myself alone one day. But farther I get in life the more I realize that I could never be alone.  I have so many people that care about me, people that somehow despite how determined I was to not trust, I in fact trust completely. I have a family that love me deeply and that I know will always be a huge part of my life, no matter how many oceans I cross. I am supported and loved by my friends and my church in way that I didn’t think was possible. In fact, I know that the people around me believe in me more than I will ever be able to believe in myself in a moment or lifetime. In fact, I am beyond blessed when it comes to the people in my life and the relationships that I have. And from this truth, I find my purpose to love others. For if one person can be loved so much they cannot keep that love to themselves. The greater I am loved the more and the farther I will love, and the deeper and stronger that I love the greater and more I will be loved.  See love comes full circle. And life is nothing without it.

     I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own and known deep down that a vast and important part of who I am, is a mother. But that same childhood fear of ending up alone has haunted me all my life. Growing up, I was never interested in boys. I was so determined to figure out who I was, find my path in life, and follow God that I choose to put everything else aside until the time came that I was ready for it. I’m not sure I ever thought that day would come. But it did. A few months ago I realized that my mindset had changed. I hadn’t even noticed it changing but somehow it had and I knew deep down that the time had finally come. I was ready to find and to be with another person for the rest of my life. And not that it would happen that day or even tomorrow, but that realization that I was ready for my life to become less about me and more about someone else. I found that I had grown to that point in my life where I had become who I was, found my path, and been following God so much so that I wasn’t meant to be continuing on alone anymore. After so long of not even considering being in a relationship I found myself rather surprised that I was here already.  But things never happen without a purpose or a reason. And soon after realizing just how much I desired and longed to share my life with another person I started understanding how much harder it would be to wait. Once you have everything ready you begin walking down a road and I found myself anxious to start this journey. I finally knew without a doubt that I would get to have someone by my side for the rest of my life. That I would be a mother and I would have many children. And the last of the fears that were hidden inside me all dissipated; for lies and fear cannot remain where truth and hope are.  Without a doubt I believed for the first time in my life that I could count the days that I would be alone.

     I live in Uganda. I know that I will live in Africa for the rest of my life. I will work and serve the children and the people here until God tells me otherwise. I have children here too. That sounds like a lot and it would be easy for me to tell myself that it’s too much for anyone, but the truth is it’s perfect for him.  I am perfect for him. He is just right for me. We are made for each other. I can wait a few years for him because I know that it’s just a little longer until we find each other! 

I can look back on my life so far and see the journey and growth that I’ve gone through,  I can celebrate today being where I am, and I can see the beginnings of tomorrow waiting for me just around the bend; through all of this I have never been or will I ever be alone.

"Mama"

I am constantly reminded that I am in control of very little and that God is in control of everything. There is so much that I do not know, things that are happening around me and those that happen far away, but He does.

     On Friday morning the four children came to Kampala so that we could take them to boarding school. Nettie arrived very sick. When we took her temperature it was at 104 degrees. I rushed her to the medical clinic where she  tested positive with a severe case of  malaria. She was put on an IV immediately. We spent the night at Ray of Hope since she was still on the IV at that time. Saturday she was able to come home for a little bit and then she finished her last 4 hours on the IV in the evening. Today we stayed home from church and the village so that she could rest. Hopefully, she will be better by the end of the week and will be able to join her brothers at school.

     The crazy part about the past couple of days is that it could have turned out so differently. Malaria is preventable and it is treatable, but it is dangerous if left to it's own. If Nettie hadn't come to Kampala she would not have received medical attention. With a temperature that high, she probably would not have made it. If she hadn't had come I would have had no idea that she was sick and wouldn't have been able to make sure that she received the best care possible. Things could have been so different if God had not been in control and watching out for my little girl. I just can't imagine if I had shown up today in the village and found out something had happened to her. Malaria is one of the primary killers of children in third world countries, and about every thirty seconds a child dies from malaria in Africa alone. This is the world that my baby lives in. It could have been her. It was so close to being her.

     I don't really have the words to express how thankful I am that she is okay. That I am the one who gets to take care of her as she recovers and makes sure she has someone to hold her when the fever comes. And that I get to spend another week with my beautiful Nettie. I would do anything for her, and I am so glad that God is watching out for her. I am glad that this morning she was able to smile again, telling me she is starting to feel a little more like herself. But the highlight of the past few days, was when she called me "Mama" for the first time. Friday was scary, yesterday was very long, but today was incredibly special. Just knowing that she wants me to be her mother and to care for her, truly means so much to me. I would do anything for her,  yet there are some things that even I can't do, which is why I am so glad that God is watching out for her. He is so faithful and His compassion runs so deep for His beloved children.

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the enemy’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Beginning Of New Things

 One week is all it took for me to fall in love with them completely. One week of caring for them for me to realize that my life is bound to theirs. One week to begin to understand more about God's plan for my life, than maybe I've understood the whole time I've been here. I'm not surprised though. When God wants to speak, it's always life changing and usually happens in a moment. Moments that reach to the very deepest part of your heart and stay there.

A good story always has a beginning, so I'll start there. In the village Zirobwe there are four children who live alone. Syrous is 11, Jophasi 7, Ronnie 5, and Nerima is 3 years old. Their mother passed away almost two years ago. Their father is neglects them, is abusive, and is hardly ever there. He has other families in other village and takes food and clothes from his children to his other families. So, Syrous takes care of them all.

When I met these children in July they were all as equally miserable as they were malnourished. They never played with the other children. They never talked. They never smiled. Syrus carried Nettie on his back everywhere and they always watched from a distanced. On Sundays at Sunday school I began to take Nettie from Syrous (screaming of course) and hold her until we finished the program. As the months passed the children slowly started participating more and occasionally one of them would smile (the older three only). Nettie stopped screaming when I held her and started falling asleep on me each week. Then came the day in December when Nettie smiled at me for the first time. That was the day when I realized that God was restoring these children's lives and that I was somehow involved. I fell in love with Nettie and started dreaming of the first time I would hear her laugh and talk, of when I would see her running around playing with other children, of when I'd get to dance with her. I prayed over her future and my heart burned for justice in her life. Two weeks ago, I heard her laugh and I saw her playing for the first time. I praised God for these unexpected milestones.

Then last Sunday we brought all four children to our house in Kampala. They will be going to boarding school here and so they had interviews at their school. They stayed in my room and I took care of them for four days. I gave them baths. I fed them three times a day. I took them to the medical clinic twice and held a screaming Nettie down as they took jiggers out of her feet. I arranged for Syrous to have a tooth pulled. I played with them. I disciplined them. I showed them how to use a toilet and then cleaned up the floors when they didn't understand. I sang them to sleep. I stayed up late to wash their dirty and soiled clothes. I held their hands as when we visited their school. I scrubbed floors and mattresses more times than I can count. I made sure they were dressed and clean every morning. That they took their medicine three times a day. That their teeth were brushed and they were under their mosquito net each night. I held Nettie each night as she coughed and crawled all over me. The days were hard and long and I never got enough sleep. I was taking care of four children who have been on their own for two years. Who haven't had parenting or discipline. Who have been through more than a child should ever go through. Who speak a completely different language then I do. Overnight, I became their mother, we became a team. I often got frustrated (at myself mostly), but I had help though from two of the other MST's, and I always went to bed thankful for the day.

Within the first few hours of being home Sunday all of the children were smiling and laughing. Nettie was suddenly speaking full sentences to me (she doesn't really talk to anyone else yet:). She had kissed me and told me she loved me multiple times. In fact, over four short days I saw these children open up, talk, and play, in ways that I've only dreamed of. Now instead of just thinking about Nettie, I was thinking about what the future holds for all of them. They are a family and should never be broken apart. I have just realized that I want to be a part of it. Once you've become a mother you don't simple stop being one; even if your children don't really belong to you. Syrous, Jophasi, Ronnie, and Nettie, have always truly belonged to God and He has been taking care of them long before I ever arrived. And I have no doubt that He will continue to do what is best for them.

 I know that I will be a part of their future. If that includes adopting the four of them, than I would gladly accept that responsibility and beautiful blessing. The truth is, adoption seems impossible right now. They still have a father who comes around sometimes. I am single and only about to turn 20. All things that hold me back from adopting them. But I'm not in a rush, I will be around for a long time. I don't need official proof, I'm meant to be their mother. Nothing will change how much I love them already. Everything else is up to God. I know He has a plan and that I can trust them to Him. Maybe I'm not ready to take them now. Maybe they aren't. Probably none of us are. The truth is I am at complete peace regarding our futures. All I am thinking about is today. Soon they will be at boarding school here in Kampala and I will be visiting them every weekend. It will be the best thing for them and I will still be a part of their lives.

I used to wish that I could change things for them. That they had two loving parents, and that they could finally be children like the deserve. But what this last week has taught me is, that God has the same plans for them and started this journey a long time ago.

 Just a few weeks ago, I was struggling to find the patience I needed. I had no idea what God was doing or why I was meant to stay in Kampala. The year seemed unclear and lacked a direct purpose. Funny, how quickly things can change. But God is always faithful, His timing is always right, and things have only just begun...

True Love

I know that I just wrote a blog entry a few days ago but I wanted to celebrate with you all that has happened. You may know of my dear Nettie, the 3 year old girl that has captured my heart here in Uganda. I've written of how she has changed in the past seven months and of the first time that I saw her smile. I also mentioned in a recent post that one of the things I was most looking forward to was seeing her laugh. It may have been clear that I love this little girl a lot. In fact, all I want is to be with her every moment of every day. But this is what I want to share with you, she loves me as well.

 I had the chance to spend the last two days with my Nehema (her full name) and it was more than perfect. She is more than perfect. When we arrived she was waiting for me. She smiled almost as much as I did. She played and laughed (something I have been long awaiting). She held me tightly and wouldn't let go. When it was time for me to leave today, she broke down in tears. This from the child who never showed emotion except when she was angry. This from the girl who screamed when I first held her. This from my beautiful Nettie and all because she wants me to love her. She knows I do and she is happy in my arms because she loves me too!

All I want is to take care of her and love her more than anyone has ever loved another person. I want her to grow up full of joy and knowing that she is loved. And I see that future for her know. One where her smile comes easily and her laugh is contagious. Somehow I know that I will be there too. I love her and time will not change that love. I've loved a lot of people and a lot of children, but I've never felt that it was so important for me to love them. I love her like she was my child and knowing that she has no mother to love her makes it so clear to me, that is why I'm here. True love.

A Time to Wait

I like to always be doing something; a fact which I doubt would surprise anyone who knows me. I would much rather be following my heart or stepping out in faith than waiting patiently for something to happen. I can be patient, but it isn’t a word that I would quickly use to describe myself.

The last couple weeks I can honestly say that I haven’t been patient. At the beginning of the new year I had plans, dreams, and ideas about what I would be doing, how long it would take, and how I saw it all working out. I’m a dreamer, I get excited and passionate about the dreams that I have. I’ve never been afraid to step out in faith, to trust God to come through, or to make sacrifices. But I also get discouraged easily when I have to wait or when things change. In the past months I’ve grown a lot in these areas, but I certainly a long ways to go.

I can’t stand to waste time. I have to be doing something. I want to be in the village serving the children, spending time with God, building stronger relationships with the people around me. I can always do more; I always should be doing more. This is how my mind works. It’s is not the best mind set and can be a very draining one. It mostly comes from living in a third world country. Seeing the depth and greatness of the need here and wanting to give myself wholly to what God is doing here. The problem comes when I feel as if I am not doing enough or exactly what I should be doing. Yes, I live in Uganda. Yes, I go to projects and work with and serve children every day. But this is so far from ALL that I want to do. And often I want to do so much more than I am currently doing.

It’s a bit of good and bad really. As soon as God speaks I am moving because I am constantly listening for His voice, but if I’m waiting for Him to speak and I feel as if I should already be moving it creates frustration. If I had the choice I would be living in a village without any electricity, plumbing, or civilization. I would be living each day with the people, children, and community around me. There are so many dreams that I know will come into fruition in the years to come but the time just isn’t right yet.

I don’t really know why (the frustrating part), that I need to wait right now. Why I feel so passionately about things that I can’t accomplish right now. But these are things that I know God has placed in my future and will happen. It is just that often times I feel so strongly about them, I don’t want to wait until the timing is right. I want to be doing everything that God has for me and be as useful to the Lord as I can be. At the same time, I know that I am doing what God has for me today, and that I am most useful to the Lord when I trust Him in all circumstances. If I try to rush the plans that He has for me then I will not only miss a lot of what I am supposed to learn and do, but I will also not see things work out the way that I want them too.

It really comes down to choosing each day to be content with what God has for me and rejoicing in that moment. It means trusting Him to lead me when it’s right for me to go. It means still keeping my dreams alive but finding joy while I wait for them to happen. It means giving up my control, my desires, and what I think should be happening, and instead walking under His control, desires, and what He wants to happen. I believe that I will one day be exactly where my heart longs to be, but it won’t be on my own doing and it won’t be until the Lord leads me there. Until then, I will look to Him daily for direction and learn to be patient when it means waiting. Waiting doesn’t mean that I am not doing anything, just that I am doing something very specific; sitting at His feet, eyes on Him, hands raised, alive in that very place.

The End of 2012

     Wow, it’s been quite a while since I wrote my last blog entry. The biggest news of the last month was my surprise trip home for Christmas. Within two weeks of finding out that I would be back for Christmas, I home. I spent over three weeks back in Redding and used all of my time to visit with my family and close friends. It was an incredible blessing and a gift I am extremely grateful for. It came at the exact right time and not only made Christmas really special but gave me the opportunity to see all of my loved ones and be refreshed for the rest of my time here in Uganda. I praise God for knowing me better than I know myself and seeing how badly I missed my family. I also thank those who brought me home for Christmas, it was the best Christmas ever and I am exceedingly thankful to you!

Holding Nettie.

     The last week that I was in Uganda I spent in the village; perfect ending to 2012. I spent Sunday through Wednesday in Zirobwe, and with all of my precious children. My favorite part was spending each day with Nettie. I would go and pick her up from her house, give her a bath, dress her, clean her wounds, remove any jiggers, feed her, hold her (often through her nap), play with her, and just treasure the time I had with her. 

Zirobwe children recieving shoes!

     On Sunday we gave out shoes to all of the Sunday school children. These were shoes that the children from my church The Stirring and other friends had raised money for. We gave out almost 200 pairs of shoes and will be giving out the rest (about 200 more) in the next couple of months. Again, thank you, to all of you who made giving the village children shoes possible, they were so excited and happy to have new shoes!

Zirobwe children

      We also had a big Christmas party in the village. More than 400 children came and filled the church. The party was so much fun and definitely one of my favorite moments of this past year. Of course, anything with children and dancing is going to be amazing!

Dancing with Kasuja

      One of the best parts of going home was surprising everyone. See, no one knew I was coming back (after all, barely knew myself:) I thoroughly enjoyed showing up at people’s doors, walking down hallways, and into rooms and seeing the looks on the faces of those that I love most. There were tears and looks of shock, and a lot of frozen people. But I was more than happy to be the one doing the hugging, after all I wasn’t supposed to be home and if I hadn’t been laughing I probably would have been crying too! I really did just spend all my time with my family and closest friends (including my best goat friends) and each day was filled with new memories, laughter, and a lot of joy. Thank you, to everyone who not only made time to see me but made my short time truly magical. I love you guys so much and can’t wait to see you in another 15 months.

With the Mosely boys.

With Claire and her goats!

With six of my siblings:)

With my Mom.

With my youngest sister, Audrey!

With my sister, Megan.

     So, now I am back in Uganda. I arrived last Saturday. I’ve been to the village on Sunday and seen Nettie. We spent the week in Kampala doing projects here, Sanyu Babies Home, Jaja’s Orphanage, Katalemwa Children’s Hospital, and lots of programs with the Neighborhood kids. And all of this was done without our vans (which are currently broken down), which meant LOTS of taxis and boda bodas.

The Neighborhood Children

   

   It has been great to be back in Uganda and to be dreaming about 2013. I am so excited about what God has in store for me and those here. It is going to be an incredible year!

 

My Nettie!